Mercenary and Me…

Be warned now this is a long post…

I’m feeling a bit down today…, work is getting worse and it is getting harder and harder to maintain a happy attitude. We know that at this point we are not under review, therefore we are not losing our jobs, but the whole lack of a payrise thing is getting everyone down, and their shitty moods are really starting to infect everyone else. There is just such a strong feeling of malaise here…, it is really q1uite disconcerting. Add to that all the extra crap that we have to do, and the grief we get if we don’t do it!

I know it is getting to me, as for no good reason I had a spontaneous nose bleed at my desk. That is always fun…, chatting away on the phone…, why is my lip wet?? So yeah, I think it is time to ramp up my new job schedule.



Anyways, the reason for the title. I was having a rather good discussion last night with the fine fellow from “Goleftatthefork”, his blog is rather good, and if you have the chance I strongly advise you to check it out. So this discussion…, well it all started with talking about relationships. I mentioned how hurt he was when one of his went south, I had to say that, I couldn’t feel the same way, in the same situation. You may remember a few posts back; I mentioned a bad break up. Well, that one hurt…, it hurt so bad I considered doing something stupid. I was only 18ish at the time, and got to the point where I was sitting in my room with the lights out one night, holding a half drunk bottle of Laphroig, smoking a cigarette, and staring at a bottle of my morphine (I had for my knee injury).

I was really scared that I might actually do it, so I called my best friend at the time. We’ll call him C; well C was round in minutes. I heard him come in the sliding door…, I saw him sit down in front of me…, he looked at me, he looked at the bottle, he looked at the pills. C then lit up a cigarette of his own, took the bottle (Down to a quarter at this point), drained it, then whacked me across the head with it. I woke up the next morning lying in bed, in his arms, with the motherfucker of all headaches!! I said, to him what are you doing here, then he told me what happened. I loved that man like a brother, but don’t be upset with what he did, he was a very pragmatic young man, and very straight to the point!

It was at that point that I thought to myself…, no! Fuck HIM!! And I cried my last tear. I had no idea just how well I trained myself to be a cold hearted bastard until years later. I went through a period of treating everyone, including myself, like shit. I swore to myself that I would never let anyone have that kind of pull over me again. I effectively shut, bolted, and bricked up the door to my heart. I could not let myself get to the point where I would consider what I was considering, that thought horrifies me…, would I have done it, if C didn’t come over…, honestly I really have no idea.

That is where the title comes in; I made myself into an emotional Mercenary. Even now, years later I am still a hard, cold, pragmatic bastard. I can take or leave relationships. And often do if I see them not going to plan. I am a big fan of the phrase, “Those who learn to retreat, when necessary, can come back stronger.”. Well that has been me for so long. That is not to say that I am alone, I am smiley and happy a lot of the time, and know several thousands of people, and talk to more than I can count on a daily basis. I have a few very close friends, though they do not know all of who I really am. The problem though, with being emotionally distant, is that you do get to be very lonely. Especially in social situations, I am almost afraid to mingle…, even in a crowded room I am completely alone. It is a good thing I enjoy my own company!