A little light refrain to start us off...

Must be played in the order posted I tell you... MUST!!!! Hahahaha!

Music Post - Something a little different...

Obviously in no particular order....

Master and Commander...

Plays this wonderful NIN track while you read the next bit. Honestly I think this should be my official theme song! ... Why can't our lives have an actual soundtrack?

 

Well...!!! An interesting day today..., once again I got chewed out by my boss. Once again it was for a pathetic misunderstanding, but once again I have been hung out to dry. I can't believe this shit really..., and what annoys me the most, is that on the same token I am being told how important to the team I am. It's almost like I am being coddled! I mean if I am as good (I am by the way), as she says I am to the team, why am I always being ridden so damn hard. It seems like there is about two or three people where I work that always want to take what I say or do out of context, and then run off to the boss to taddle. I've really had enough of this shit!

Honestly..., just like one or two people around here, if you have a problem with me, then man up and tell and me to my face...., I can't stand "Back Stabbing".

So now that I have that off my chest, lets begin.

I really smell good right now..., I can't quite understand it. I mean it's really warm, so i'm kinda sweaty (Sitting here in nothing but boxer shorts... hahahahaha!!)...., but I can smell my skin, and it's kinda...., yum. I don't why I am telling you this, just wanted to share. Like I said it's really warm. Summer has finally hit I hope, we have been having some really nice weather over the last few days. Temperatures are getting up there with an average of 25C. To tell you the truth I am really loving it, not too hot, not too cold....., just right!

So what's going on then? Well I have the weekend off, after my marathon seven day stint at work. I have no idea what I am going to do, but I think that shopping is definitely on the agenda. Especially since payday is tomorrow..., YAY ME!!!! Have to get another few chapters out on my book over the next few days aswell, I only have two more, that complete the current part. Don't know where I will go from there but it should be good fun finding out. 

I'll let guys know how i'm getting on as the weekend progresses.

Saving Private Ryan...

Well my heart nigh on broke a few minutes ago..., I got all excited when I saw that a pretty cool young fella had posted again on his blog. To my surprise, I got something I never would have wished for. There is a message on Tyler's blog "I'll do tricks for you" to go over to his brother's blog "Ryan's Life". On Ryan's blog there is a message left by Mike, stating that Tyler has had an accident, and though it doesn't say much, it says that Ryan has flown home and has been at Tyler's hospital bedside since late Thursday, their time.

Tyler said that he had a race this weekend, and that he was trying to get a lot of practice in, so I can only assume, something happened on one of those runs. I dearly hope not, but without details the mind wanders. I don't want to cause panic or alarm, but if you know these two guys you really should head over there and lend your support..., if you don't know them, you should do it anyway.

Tyler and I got a little closer over the last week or so, what with a chat on MSN, and then a few emails..., I was really starting to like the guy. His honesty struck me, and I was beginning to enjoy his company. So for here and now, my thoughts are with him and his family..., I hope everything works out to the good. I don't believe in an all powerful deity, so in times like these, I like to turn to music..., so I have selected a few tracks that I think are appropriate, and are just for him....



Well here we go..., yes this is just the way i'm feeling....



 To Tyler's family..., and I really hope this is true..., Don't worry baby..., everything's gonna turn out all right...



God only knows..., what any of us will do with you...



And I'm waiting now, to hear any news..., hopefully of a speedy recovery.

Courage and Honour Tyler..., come back to us soon buddy.

Music Post - To acompany the pics...

Music Post - Thinking of him...

Now I have a machine gun..., Ho Ho Ho!

So you remember way back when..., well..., ok, so last Monday. I said I spent some time with my family over the last weekend..., well you remember why? I tell you, when you put someone in the ground..., it really brings death into stark relief. I know that, deep down, we should see funerals as a celebration of the life in question..., but I really just can't do that. In fact..., to be honest, I find the situation rather laughable.

That sounds bad I know..., but personally, I would much rather not have lost the person in the first place..., I hate good byes...

So now I am going to talk about the one that I really find most distressing. To be fair, I rarely talk about it, but I think about him constantly. First though I should tell you a little something of my family...

Dad: Dad drives a truck for a living, is into restoring vintage tractors, loves country music and the beatles. He's a big guy, always has been..., not fat (though I admit he is getting that way in his old age!), just big, tall and strong..., I guess I have never lost that feeling of him since I was a kid. I love my father greatly..., he has always been there for me, and really is a great dad. Even after I came out to him. In fact to be honest, I think our relationship is better now than it ever was. It really is truly liberating (well it was for me anyway!), to be myself around him.

My Stepmother: Truly the greatest woman in my life. She works in education, though she has little of it..., and is probably one of the smartest people I know. She is also a far left wing, unionest..., something that causes some very interesting conversations (read arguements) around the dinner table! I love her dearly, she is more of a mother to me than my actual mum. She took me in when she didn't have to and has loved me dearly and unconditionally ever since. She was the first "Adult" I came out to.

My Mum: I love her, and she is also a very strong, independent and intelligent woman. Things is though, I have always just felt like an obstacle in her life. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do.

My Stepdad: Don't really know him to be honest, but he seems like a decent enough chap.

My Brother (And family): My brother and I really haven't ever gotten along..., well ok, maybe when we were really small for a couple of years. My brother and I are 4 years apart, and that rift grew considerably when he hit puberty, effectively leaving me behind. I do care for him, and I am pretty sure he cares for me, but as I said, we don't really get along..., we are just too different. My brother lives in Sydney Australia, with his Australian wife, and very cute baby daughter. I have only met his wife twice, and have only seen my niece in photos. Still they look happy and I wish them all the best.

My Step Sister: She and I get along well, though I first met her at 15, when I was 13. She is in between me and my brother. I love her a great deal, but she has some very interesting (Read selfish and obnoxious) views on life. She also has a daughter, and I always laugh at how so alike the two are.

I also have two stepbrothers, that I have never met, and to be honest, I have no idea what they are like. So I can't really say much about them here.

As the core family unit..., my dad, my stepmum (who I call Mum), my brother, my stepsister, and I are pretty tight, when it all comes down to it. Everyone else, is kinda on the fringe. When I think of home, I think of dad, and my stepmum..., very telling in my opinion.



So anyways, getting back to main point..., there is one other...., my baby brother, who I have only met in my dreams. He was the son, of my dad and my stepmum, and he was never supposed to happen. I don't mean that in a nasty way..., my stepmum had had to have her bits taken out (A legacy afforded her by her bastard of a first husband..., eventually I will do him as much harm, as he did to her!), and was supposed to not be able to have kids.

That didn't stop my little bro though..., he managed to attach himself to her stomach, and had gotten almost the whole way. He was 5 months when they found him..., and it came down to him or her..., they chose her. When they operated they did try to save him, but he was just too little..., he only lasted about 20 minutes..., but he fought..., by Christ did he fight..., his little heart just wasn't strong enough.

I have never forgiven the divine powers for allowing this to happen..., my stepmum always wanted kids, was desperate for them in fact. This was the ultimate in teases..., I hate the "Supposedly" Divine for that. He took that something with so much potential from all of us...., and I don't think he even cares what he has done to us...., poor little guy never even got a chance.

My little bro would have been 16 this year..., just old enough to be interesting. I often wonder what he would have made of himself. What he would be doing. Would he be sporty and smart like me, sporty and charming like my brother, extroverted and way out there like my stepsis? Probably just like my dad...., with a little hint of my stepmum..., that would have been a sight to see. I miss him deeply..., especially at this time of year.

Christmas, is my favourite time of the year..., I get that from dad..., it is the only time of the year, that I get to see him like a little kid again..., I really love that. I know that my little bro would be just the same..., I really would have liked to have had the chance to know him damnit! I so much want him in my life...

I miss you little bro..., as always..., all I have is yours, I will see you soon...

I was runningd....

 What form..., where too, why?

Honestly who the fuck knows..., probably myself. We are all running to certain extent. Some of us a run to clear the air, while some run to hide. Me? I still have no idea, but I am running baby! So much so that I have pulled a groin muscle..., and not in any way that is fun I can assure you!! FUCK IT HURTS!

 

Where was I going with this?

Who knows..., anyways, just thought I would give a shout out to a couple of new blogs I have found...

Adam, from Anonymous life, of a Gay Sydney Boy ... He is Australian but don't hold that against him.

Mikey, from A gay hockey kids life ... A young athlete type fella, interesting guy really.

And...

Ryan O, From One Fine Gay .. Another Brit, but apparently he has been around before.

Both are pretty decent writers, if a little verbose at times. Go check them out, if you haven't already.

So I am lying here in bed, in total agony I might add. It even hurts to..., ah..., manipulate things, yes that will do. I don't know why running up and down stairs would do this to me, but it has. Fuck you world, you aren't going to beat me that easily!

So pretty soon I have to get up and go and part with more free cash for the government..., fuckers! Why do I have to register my car anyway, like it bloody matters! It's all just a giant have, just one more way for the greedy politicians to fleece even more cash out of the unsuspecting public.

Putting it another way..., "I work, so the government doesn't have to!"

But lets face it, I am going to pay it, because I don't want to have to pay the $400 fine if I get caught without one. Honestly that's just false economy, avoid $140 now, to pay $400 later..., yeah right!

Ha! Sounds like a Tui ad.

All the world needs now...

Well this is all "a fine to do" then, isn't it? So I was just reading a fantastic blog that I really enjoy "FOR YOUR SAKE" go and check it out..., hmmm see what I did there. I know..., sometimes I even amaze myself, haha!  So anyways, like I said I have been reading this blog for some time, and I came to the conclusion that that boy just really needs to get laid. Sorry FMS, but it had to be said. I was even going to post a comment to that effect..., something along the lines off -

"Dude..., really? I think to be honest you just need to get laid..., even if all else fails you end up paying for it."

- and then I came to my senses. Honestly is this all we really need? I can't honestly say that it is.

In fact I was having a rather "deep and meaningful", with my hetero life partner (Best Friend) the other day, and I had to admit to not only him, but also myself that I crave something far more simple. Hey don't get me wrong..., if the opurtunity arose, I would take it full force. I know what you are thinking and your dirty mind would be right on the money there. Anyway back to the point...

This is what I am missing. Sex is good don't get wrong, but being able to be this close to someone, is just so much better. I can remember several guys that I have woken up to, guys that have been freaky and passionate the night before, until we fell asleep in each others arms. Then in the morning, they are just so cute, like a lost puppy as I watched them come out of the sleep that only the loved can sleep. Their eyes kinda puffy, and watery, the smile that greets me each time. Heaven..., fuck angels and harps and fluffy clouds..., heaven is the sight of your boy as he wakes to the world and realises that the first sight he sees is you..., and smiles.

Those of you out there that have this, cherish it..., kill to protect it, because it is so rare and beautiful. Unfortunately though, what most of us have to look forward to is something more like...

Shattered and alone..., always left wondering what went wrong..., is it me..., was it him? Why has all that was good in this world forsaken me? Why am I so unlovable......., why am I so..., broken? 

I have to admit, this is where I am at the moment as well. It is a kinda self-imposed exile on my part, as I am far too fucked up for a relationship at the moment anyways. It still hurts sometimes, and I often find myself wishing that I could cry...., sometimes all you need is a really good cry, I just can't. To be honest that makes me even more sad, but there is nothing I can do about it.

Fuck I need a drink right now! But I can't do that either, because like the hulk when he is angry..., you really wouldn't like me when I am pissed.

Music Post - Just Coz..., OK?!

Ok fooled you...., but seriously....













All Kiwi music by the way..., well the serious ones were.

Day Three....

Actually there is nothing much to report here. I spent most of the day in bed chillaxing. That was of course until I was absolutely forced to get up with a very insistent bladder!! While I was chillaxing I spent a considerable amount of time on the net, and I came across a band/group that is new to me. It's called Owl City, now I have to say that I really like their work, though I am at a loss as to the genre? Anyways, here is a few of my favourites...







I think it is covered under the term "Electro-Pop", but I am not sure.

My brekkie dinner was indeed fantastic, though I have vowed never to use Edmonds pre-mix again...

  Honestly this is like the worst shit ever and is impossible to get the mix right. I will have to stop being so laxy in the future and do things properly.

So on the agenda tomorrow, is a shit ton of laundry that I have been putting off, and a haircut, that is also long overdue. Also thanks to everyone who has commented lately, I really appreciate it.

Music Post - Dedication time...

I think Fer is feeling a little down at the moment, so I have decided to tell him how I feel through the medium of song. So here it is buddy, you mean more to me than you could possible imagine, I hope you like the selections...

Music Post - Eclectic mix....

Well I thought for this one that I would do something a little different..., bearing in mind of course that all this comes from my own playlists...

Music Post - In a dark room contemplating my navel....

Since you all loved the last one, I thought I should share some more of favourites....

Love...

What does this word mean to you? What does this word really mean to anyone? Is love an impulse, a collection of emotions bandying together to make a feeling of attraction, or just a series of motor neuron response created to form the need to procreate?

You see I believe that, in this day and age, the word has come dangerously close to losing its efficacy. We bandy it about like it means nothing..., "Oh I just love that sweater", 'I love you bro", 'I loved that movie!". It seems that the word "Love" has become the ultimate expression of emphasis. Not to mention that, every other song, from the latest preteen "Pop Sensation", is about some form of unrequited love.It really makes me sick to be honest.

Love is more than just a punchline people! Love is that feeling of connection, that sense that you are a part of something ultimately greater than yourself. Love is the pain and hurt of not being there with the one you love, for whatever reason.

To me the word means something, which is why I don't use it, unless I really have to. I am not saying that the true meaning of love has an age limit, far from it in fact! What I am saying is that I don't think a word that has that much power should be used willy nilly. I mean you wouldn't just slap someone with a nuke , now would you? Well I would hope not.., but who knows with you yanks? Seriously though, I am more than just a little concerned about this situation.

I leave you with this track, used for the end credits of quite possibly the greatest ever love story I have yet seen. The movie "Love Actually" 

Music Post - A little bit country...

It must be said that Country music , is one of my guilty pleasures. I know that it is not to everybody's taste, but fuck it! This is my blog....

And so it is...

The time has come..., The enemy is here..., The gates have fallen..., The final showdown is upon us!! It has been an interesting and enlightening journey so far I must say..., so here we go, the last round.

16. What's your darkest secret? (hey, what goes around comes around)

Hmm, tough one! I have so many secrets, and they are all pretty dark. If I was to chose the worst though...,

I am quite obsessed with violence. I hate it, and do my best not to partake in it..., I am just, it seems, very good at it. And  try as I might, I don't seem to  be able to steer clear of it. I have done several things I am really not proud of.


17. What question are you most afraid of some one asking? (another one of Dave's machinations)

 "How are you doing?" I don't know why, it just always freaks me out. Most of the time if I was to answer truthfully I would have people running screaming from the room, or lying on the floor in a quivering heap. Hence I don't really know what to say in these situations.


18. Your house is on fire!! you got the time to get three items out of it, what would those be?

 My harddrive, my dvd collection and my armies.


19. What 3 songs represent you?







20. If you could start to live your life again, what would you change?



There are several things I would like to change, but could I countenance actually changing them? No, I don't think I could. Whatever I change would also change how I see myself, or how I act. Therefore I would not be me. So no, I would not change a thing.

I have watched my city burn..., now I will take my revenge! Or atleast ask the last round of questions....

16. Top or Bottom...?

17.Name two things that define you as a person?

18. What are the three most important possessions to which you can not live without?

19. Paper or plastic...? Discuss.

20. What is the thing that first attracts you to a person?

They you are my friend..., and if you get stuck on something, or are not sure how to answer, remember this...

"It is not the question that is important..., 

it is how you answer it."

For Bob....

A new twist on an old favourite...



Have a great trip out west mate, I hope you see loads of sun and pretty boys.

Mercenary and Me…

Be warned now this is a long post…

I’m feeling a bit down today…, work is getting worse and it is getting harder and harder to maintain a happy attitude. We know that at this point we are not under review, therefore we are not losing our jobs, but the whole lack of a payrise thing is getting everyone down, and their shitty moods are really starting to infect everyone else. There is just such a strong feeling of malaise here…, it is really q1uite disconcerting. Add to that all the extra crap that we have to do, and the grief we get if we don’t do it!

I know it is getting to me, as for no good reason I had a spontaneous nose bleed at my desk. That is always fun…, chatting away on the phone…, why is my lip wet?? So yeah, I think it is time to ramp up my new job schedule.



Anyways, the reason for the title. I was having a rather good discussion last night with the fine fellow from “Goleftatthefork”, his blog is rather good, and if you have the chance I strongly advise you to check it out. So this discussion…, well it all started with talking about relationships. I mentioned how hurt he was when one of his went south, I had to say that, I couldn’t feel the same way, in the same situation. You may remember a few posts back; I mentioned a bad break up. Well, that one hurt…, it hurt so bad I considered doing something stupid. I was only 18ish at the time, and got to the point where I was sitting in my room with the lights out one night, holding a half drunk bottle of Laphroig, smoking a cigarette, and staring at a bottle of my morphine (I had for my knee injury).

I was really scared that I might actually do it, so I called my best friend at the time. We’ll call him C; well C was round in minutes. I heard him come in the sliding door…, I saw him sit down in front of me…, he looked at me, he looked at the bottle, he looked at the pills. C then lit up a cigarette of his own, took the bottle (Down to a quarter at this point), drained it, then whacked me across the head with it. I woke up the next morning lying in bed, in his arms, with the motherfucker of all headaches!! I said, to him what are you doing here, then he told me what happened. I loved that man like a brother, but don’t be upset with what he did, he was a very pragmatic young man, and very straight to the point!

It was at that point that I thought to myself…, no! Fuck HIM!! And I cried my last tear. I had no idea just how well I trained myself to be a cold hearted bastard until years later. I went through a period of treating everyone, including myself, like shit. I swore to myself that I would never let anyone have that kind of pull over me again. I effectively shut, bolted, and bricked up the door to my heart. I could not let myself get to the point where I would consider what I was considering, that thought horrifies me…, would I have done it, if C didn’t come over…, honestly I really have no idea.

That is where the title comes in; I made myself into an emotional Mercenary. Even now, years later I am still a hard, cold, pragmatic bastard. I can take or leave relationships. And often do if I see them not going to plan. I am a big fan of the phrase, “Those who learn to retreat, when necessary, can come back stronger.”. Well that has been me for so long. That is not to say that I am alone, I am smiley and happy a lot of the time, and know several thousands of people, and talk to more than I can count on a daily basis. I have a few very close friends, though they do not know all of who I really am. The problem though, with being emotionally distant, is that you do get to be very lonely. Especially in social situations, I am almost afraid to mingle…, even in a crowded room I am completely alone. It is a good thing I enjoy my own company!

Music Post - Showcasing some more local talent..., and some Aussies...

And the Aussies...