Now I have a machine gun..., Ho Ho Ho!

So you remember way back when..., well..., ok, so last Monday. I said I spent some time with my family over the last weekend..., well you remember why? I tell you, when you put someone in the ground..., it really brings death into stark relief. I know that, deep down, we should see funerals as a celebration of the life in question..., but I really just can't do that. In fact..., to be honest, I find the situation rather laughable.

That sounds bad I know..., but personally, I would much rather not have lost the person in the first place..., I hate good byes...

So now I am going to talk about the one that I really find most distressing. To be fair, I rarely talk about it, but I think about him constantly. First though I should tell you a little something of my family...

Dad: Dad drives a truck for a living, is into restoring vintage tractors, loves country music and the beatles. He's a big guy, always has been..., not fat (though I admit he is getting that way in his old age!), just big, tall and strong..., I guess I have never lost that feeling of him since I was a kid. I love my father greatly..., he has always been there for me, and really is a great dad. Even after I came out to him. In fact to be honest, I think our relationship is better now than it ever was. It really is truly liberating (well it was for me anyway!), to be myself around him.

My Stepmother: Truly the greatest woman in my life. She works in education, though she has little of it..., and is probably one of the smartest people I know. She is also a far left wing, unionest..., something that causes some very interesting conversations (read arguements) around the dinner table! I love her dearly, she is more of a mother to me than my actual mum. She took me in when she didn't have to and has loved me dearly and unconditionally ever since. She was the first "Adult" I came out to.

My Mum: I love her, and she is also a very strong, independent and intelligent woman. Things is though, I have always just felt like an obstacle in her life. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do.

My Stepdad: Don't really know him to be honest, but he seems like a decent enough chap.

My Brother (And family): My brother and I really haven't ever gotten along..., well ok, maybe when we were really small for a couple of years. My brother and I are 4 years apart, and that rift grew considerably when he hit puberty, effectively leaving me behind. I do care for him, and I am pretty sure he cares for me, but as I said, we don't really get along..., we are just too different. My brother lives in Sydney Australia, with his Australian wife, and very cute baby daughter. I have only met his wife twice, and have only seen my niece in photos. Still they look happy and I wish them all the best.

My Step Sister: She and I get along well, though I first met her at 15, when I was 13. She is in between me and my brother. I love her a great deal, but she has some very interesting (Read selfish and obnoxious) views on life. She also has a daughter, and I always laugh at how so alike the two are.

I also have two stepbrothers, that I have never met, and to be honest, I have no idea what they are like. So I can't really say much about them here.

As the core family unit..., my dad, my stepmum (who I call Mum), my brother, my stepsister, and I are pretty tight, when it all comes down to it. Everyone else, is kinda on the fringe. When I think of home, I think of dad, and my stepmum..., very telling in my opinion.



So anyways, getting back to main point..., there is one other...., my baby brother, who I have only met in my dreams. He was the son, of my dad and my stepmum, and he was never supposed to happen. I don't mean that in a nasty way..., my stepmum had had to have her bits taken out (A legacy afforded her by her bastard of a first husband..., eventually I will do him as much harm, as he did to her!), and was supposed to not be able to have kids.

That didn't stop my little bro though..., he managed to attach himself to her stomach, and had gotten almost the whole way. He was 5 months when they found him..., and it came down to him or her..., they chose her. When they operated they did try to save him, but he was just too little..., he only lasted about 20 minutes..., but he fought..., by Christ did he fight..., his little heart just wasn't strong enough.

I have never forgiven the divine powers for allowing this to happen..., my stepmum always wanted kids, was desperate for them in fact. This was the ultimate in teases..., I hate the "Supposedly" Divine for that. He took that something with so much potential from all of us...., and I don't think he even cares what he has done to us...., poor little guy never even got a chance.

My little bro would have been 16 this year..., just old enough to be interesting. I often wonder what he would have made of himself. What he would be doing. Would he be sporty and smart like me, sporty and charming like my brother, extroverted and way out there like my stepsis? Probably just like my dad...., with a little hint of my stepmum..., that would have been a sight to see. I miss him deeply..., especially at this time of year.

Christmas, is my favourite time of the year..., I get that from dad..., it is the only time of the year, that I get to see him like a little kid again..., I really love that. I know that my little bro would be just the same..., I really would have liked to have had the chance to know him damnit! I so much want him in my life...

I miss you little bro..., as always..., all I have is yours, I will see you soon...