The Long Kiss Goodnight...

I'd like to say that I haven't blogged in over a month, because I haven't had anything to blog about. But when I actually sit down and think about it..., well..., that really isn't true. The problem I have is that what I have had to blog about, is not all that pleasant. I haven't murdered anybody quite yet, so it's not that bad, it's just not overly happy is all.

To be honest, I've been feeling pretty depressed. My life as it stands, is one giant steaming pile of horseshit, or at least it has been. I'm still totally alone, and this really bothers me..., and to be fair, it's even for the lack of trying. But then, even my favourite toy doesn't seem to have that much appeal for me right now. Don't get me wrong..., we do still play..., just no where near as much as we used too..., if you catch my drift. I dunno..., I really just hope it's because I've been too tired lately.

Why am I tired? Well work is really hammering me. This whole new roster we have, is really getting me down. Four early starts, two days off, then four late finishes..., and then the whole thing starts all over again. It just seems like time is slipping away from me lately, or at least, that it's going a lot faster or something. I swear, that when I was doing a five on two off, the weeks weren't going this fast.

Then to add insult to injury, my worklife isn't going that well either. New manager, new overall boss..., and lot's of change. Why is it that very new person has to change things..., and why can't they see that what they're doing is not for the better? Can't they tell that we were happy the way we were? The mind truly boggles.

On the plus side, there is this particularly cute young fella that's started. Swimmers physique, not too tall, and the deepest most beautiful brown eye's I've ever seen..., not too mention a very cute butt. That I can work at all, when he's there, and in his usual "Playful" mode, is really quite beyond me. Be playful, I mean that he's an incessant tease..., he's beautiful, and sadly..., he knows it. Plus I think he knows what it does to me.I really am quite shameful in my staring..., must actually work on that at some point.

What it has done though, is brought out ,y feelings of loneliness. All I want is someone to hold, someone to love, who'll love me back..., is that really too much to ask? Honestly..., I don't think so..., sometimes I really feel like I'm destined to be alone.

Even my trusty Jeep failed me the other day, when i failed it's warent. Suspension swing arm and axle joint out of alignment. It's been that ay since I bought it, and has never been a problem in the past.., now it's a $1000 dollar problem. And that's money that at the time, I just didn't have..., thankfully the bank has sorted me out. But now, I'm in even greater debt..., I really hate debt!

Why does being an adult have to be so hard..., I thought it was supposed to be easy. In all seriousness..., I think I'd rather be 14 again

One flew over the cuckoos nest....

Josh form "My Mortal Dream" took this test, so I thought I would give it a crack as well..., seems i'm a little more fruity than I first thought.

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

Lost in Translation

It would have been my little brother's birthday today..., just seven days after mine..., I turned 32, he would have been 17. I was 15 when he came into my life, and through an unfortunate series of events, I was still 15 when he went out of it. I can't find it within myself to accept or forgive for that. I just can't get over what I missed out on, watching him grow to the fine young man, I know he would have been, watching him tumble through life's many obstacles, being right there to hold his hand or dry his tears.

All that was taken from me, and I'm really seriously bothered by it. What's worse is that I just can't ever seem to figure out why? One of the most provocative questions since man was still cavorting in caves and loincloths..., WHY?!

I've done a lot of soul searching over the years, spent some time in a deep depression, and more time at the bottom of a bottle. This wasn't all of it, no my brother was only part of it, but he was a big part. I've had people try to talk me out of it, I've even had people telling me about god's will..., well I can tell you now..., what an absolute load of total fucking BOLLOCKS!

I mean look..., if you want to follow a faith, and be all you can be for god, you go right ahead. Far be it for me to tell you how to live your life. But..., and this is a big but..., I cannot in all good conscience even begin to believe in something that would take away the love joy and happiness that was taken away from my family. Sorry but I just don't have the time or energy for that.

This is all I have to go on now. I have absolutely no way of knowing what kind of guy he would have become, or what he would have looked like, though I can imagine..., because imagination is all I have left.

Picture post - Some tasty boys...

I Really miss summer..., it's like full on cold over here now..., I wanna go somewhere where the boys can dress like this all day!

The Matrix...

That's just about how I'm feeling right now. Just a number..., used up like a tired battery pack about to be flushed. I so totally swear that the company I work for, has taken it's management style straight from that movie..., it even has agents I tell you! Even though they're in the form of HR reps, they're still godawful agents. Right now it's survey time..., new CEO, new ideas. He wants to be in the top ten employers of my country within five years..., WTF?! Better start treating us better then!

Like I said though, it's survey time..., we just did one for how we would like to see the company..., yeah like they're gonna pay attention to that! Now we have to do one about how the company actually is..., hahahahaha!!! What a laugh..., i'm actually looking forward to that one. They say it's confidential, I don't believe them..., I don't give a fuck either! It's time for total 100% unadulterated honesty.

To make matters worse, my department is being "Restructured", my job is still safe, thank God! But it's interesting what they have planned, and there may be a job going going that might be good for me. A new position is being created, called the "Contact Centre Manager". As the only one with the seniority and experience, I may even get it..., would be a jump in salary of about $15K, so that'll  come in handy. It will also mean no more shift work, and no more nights, so that'll be good too I reckon. Not sure if I want that level of responsibility though. I'll let you know if anything comes of it.

On another note, yeah it's been a while huh? I know..., I'm a real bad blogger. I'm pretty slack too, not that that matters though. Almost a month has gone past, and not a great deal of interest to talk about.

I did finish writing my first book though, and it seems to have been well received. I've even started working on the next one. Trying a different style with that, so should be fun. If you're interested the link is still on the side bar, just click on the navy symbol.

Well that's it I guess, just checking in, for those that care...

Hugs, Courage and Honour!

Octavius.

Tears of the Sun...

If you look at my blogroll, you will see that I follow several young guys. Now I know what some would think about that, but let me tell you..., it's nothing of the kind. Some of these guys are really hurting, and if I can help out in any way..., then as a guy who has been through a decent amount in my own life..., who am I not to pass on the knowledge of experiences. Trust me..., there is absolutely nothing nefarious here at all.

What has really saddened me this last week or so is everything that's happened with the younger ones..., one of which turned out to be an old dude..., what the fuck is up with that? I mean..., why would someone want to do that, something so confidence shattering to all the real young guys out there that look up to them..., it begs belief that's for sure. I know you should be circumspect in any dealings you have with people over the net, but it just seems like the universe is losing it's grip with reality!

(That's not him by the way..., that's Remy Thorne..., it's just the pic he used for his profile..., in case you were wondering.)

Sadly..., I lost another one today..., seems like all the blogs I follow are dropping off or being deleted. This one though was pretty special to me. I didn't know much about him at first..., kinda just knew him in passing from the comments he left on the "Rent Boy" site..., but after a while he started a blog..., well that's gone now, and I'm not overly happy about it, but I respect the reason why it has been taken down.

You see, the auther of said blog..., a young fella named JJ, was one of those rare kids that you just instantly like. He wasn't all about being cool, in fact when he first started his blog he was so timid and unsure of himself. As the months went on though, with his blog you got the unerring sense that you were watching him grow into the strong and determined man that he will become some day.It really warmed the heart, and I felt myself get a little excited every time I saw one of his posts pop up on the dashboard.

Here's the comment I posted on two of my follow bloggers blogs..., whether it will stay there and see the light of day..., I really don't know..., but here it is...

"You know what? Everyone is so concerned about chasing their own tails and sorting out who is to blame, that they are forgetting the true reason for why we are here. And besides, as cool as JJ is..., and he really is by the way..., he is still a child..., and he isn't our child. I consider the boy a friend, and I truly hope he thinks the same of me, but I would never once even consider telling him what to do, or telling his parent's what to do with their child. They have a responsibility to maintain the safety of their child..., and if this is how they see to do it, then all power to them.

What we have here gentleman is a simple case of not knowing all the facts..., don't you think it's prudent to find out, or at least wait until they become known before we all fly off the handle like a pistol half cocked.

In the end, as close as we all are..., some of us more than others I grant you..., who is in the best position to help JJ through whatever it is he's going through? That's right..., his parents. Lets not demonise them for what they doing, instead..., at least I am anyway, lets support them..., no matter how much we may hate what they are doing.

If you want to blame anyone..., I'll put my hand up, and I think some of you may know why I say that..., but i'm gonna leave it there.

To JJ I say this..., this isn't goodbye Kiddo..., we will see each other again.

To Rowan I say..., don't beat yourself up mate..., you're a cool guy, and you're one of the reasons why JJ blossomed into the great kid we all have come to know and love.

Hugs, Courage and Honour!

Octavius."

I'm not really sure why I wanted to post this, and I don't even know if the others involved ever even come here...,  but in a small way I think I'm responsible for what happened..., if that's true then I'm really sorry to everyone involved..., it was never my intent to hurt anyone.

I will miss JJ's blog, but hopefully we'll be able to stay in touch so I can personally apologise.

Desperado...

God! What a shit week i'm having so far..., and it's only been three days!!!! Tuesday (first day back after my weekend), was probably the worst. As if it was a parting shot, my team leader let slip to me that I was in some serious shit for swearing on the phones. Now I make it a point to never swear on the phone, because you really can't tell who's listening right? Well as it turns out, this particular time, my phone didn't disconnect after a call, and the new manager is listening in to calls. My phone is sometimes dodgy like that, apparently the punter had disconnected, so it really isn't that bad..., I only found that out today however!

Scared me shitless..., she let me stew on it for almost three days, thinking that i'm about to be fired for gross misconduct! To tell you the truth, i'm seriously considering a "PG" over the whole thing, at the very least some nice relaxing "Stress leave"..., hmmm yeah free leave on full pay..., that'll fuck em! In the end though, all i'm getting is a verbal warning about my behaviour..., I said to that..., "With all the shit we have to deal with..., a boy has to vent! Still I have to say that I am thankful that i'm employed..., it could've turned out a lot worse.

So what else then..., well..., i'm ramped up the new job search, I just have to get out of there, and i'm now very much actively looking. Had some good luck, and some bad. There's been a couple that might be good ones that i'm on the list for. So on that i'll just have to wait and see.

Have also lost contact with a couple of friends over the last week or two. Bit of a shame really because they're some pretty cool guys, and I really do kinda miss them. Probably my own fault really, I think I should have paid better attention. Have sent a few emails trying to reconnect, so maybe something will come of it..., who knows?

At this juncture..., i'm reminded of a phrase I hear once, one that I think I should take heed to...

"This too shall pass..."

Courage and Honour!

Octavius.