What have we done…? Where were we….? What are we doing…? What are we going to do…? How long till we realise it’s far too late… is seven poor souls enough, or does the mill need more so it can continue to grind out its meagre existence?
There’s been a bit of a furore in the news lately, over the past few months seven young men chose to end their lives. They did this because they could see no other way out. So I ask again, where were we? Where were those of us that have come before, and why can’t we see the inherent flaws within ourselves? Flaws that stopped us from seeing, that held us back, that said “It’s alright someone else will sort it… It’s someone else’s problem.” Why does it always take something truly horrible, to make us sit up and think about it? I mean, it’s not exactly hard to realise, we’ve all dealt with some measure of it in our own lives.
The mere fact that those young men, the youngest being thirteen, were gay really is irrelevant at this point. Because this crisis (Thank you Ellen!), doesn’t exist solely within the bounds of the LGBT community. It is prevalent throughout the far reaches of all society. Fat, thin, geeky, glasses, unpopular, poor, bad style sense, the very race you’re born into… these are all reasons or justifications for bullying. But bullying doesn’t limit itself to just those, oh no! Bullying is an equal opportunity employer, and sadly its ranks swell by the day. Society, religion, peer groups, or just the simple need to fit in somewhere… these are all hotbeds for recruitment. As a race of beings, we’re inherently social by nature, meaning, we like to be in a crowd… and if that crowd is bad, then that kid that everyone thought was a good kid will follow the crowd and do what the crowd does. Sad but true.
But what really makes a bully? Because I tell you this, it’s definitely not something we’re born into… it’s something we’re made into. Environment plays a big part in this, how we’re raised, where we live, what factors are prevalent in our everyday life, the opinions of of our parents or other family groups, our neighbors, our friends... the media. All those things can culminate to make a bully what they are. Generally speaking, most bullies are cowards… they are so scared of their own shadow, that they feel the need to make everyone else’s life miserable, because that’s how they feel. The rest just seems to be situational. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, and that's where the real monsters lye... but more on that another time.
Having said that, I’m not here to discuss the mechanics of what makes a bully… someone else can do that much better than I. What I wanted to talk about was the blatant hypocrisy that some people show. The best example was the massive outpouring of support shown by so many famous people during the Haiti disaster… where were those people and their money before it happened? Might have done a lot more good then. But that’s the thing isn’t it… as a race of beings, it’s far easier to show outrage and support after the fact, than it is to do anything really tangible to stop it before the crisis boils over. No, it’s far easier to react to popular opinion, than draw attention to oneself.
I’ve read posts and comments over this teen suicide situation from some pretty far reaching places… I’ve read the news, and listened to what Ellen had to say (Thanks for posting that DJ). But what does it all mean? Should we all band together to fight the good fight, now that it’s been drawn to our attention, or should we have been doing that little by little every day of our lives? Personally I think the latter would have been far more effective, but it takes work, hard work! Effort that we seldom show the likes of doing. I did, still do in fact… if that makes me a crusader, then so be it. But at least I’m consistent!
What really gets me is those people that only take notice when it suits them, or those that only appear to be on side, while in actual fact behind closed doors are some of the worst offenders… these people make me sick! And what’s worse though is the sick pleasure they seem to get from playing both sides… you know who you are… and you’re not smart enough to hide it from everyone else forever.What is it that these people really want... is it vulnerability? Do they want to keep everyone down so they can't fight back? You just have to look at the likes of columbine to understand how far you can push someone before they snap. And why is it that people can't see this when it happens, what have the all the safeguards really achieved?
They say that charity begins at home, but I tell you what… so does tolerance. There is absolutely no point getting the government involved, local or otherwise, the school boards, the police, or anyone else you can think of, until you can change the personal views of each individual human being. If someone is forced into doing something, they rebel against it… I know this to be a fact… I speed, I hate paying my taxes, and I even tried to avoid jury service the other week. Now, if I knew that all that was actually for something good, and the government asked me nicely… things might be a little different.But no... what's the point when you can just make someone do it... bend them to your will... wait, that sounds like bullying doesn't it?
Why yes, I think it does... so you see where there could be a problem there?
I have a friend… a very good friend that I care for deeply. You see, a few months ago, he made a really bad mistake, one that he has apologised for on countless occasions, yet he’s still being punished by those that profess themselves to be the great crusaders of our gay youth. Bullying comes in all forms, and this one is just as bad if not worse… but then I guess as far as they’re concerned what’s one more name for the mill huh? Maybe these people should take a good long hard look at themselves… nobody around these parts are squeaky clean.
But then, what rite do they have to be making these claims in the first place. Did our gay youth get up one day and say to them... "Hey, your big and strong and old... can you be my protector?". Somehow I highly doubt that. Me, I have no illusions that I'm some rainbow purple caped crusader... I've never turned anyone away, but I don't go looking for fights either. What rite do I have to impose my will upon anyone... that's right... no rite at all... I hope people can learn from this...
COURAGE AND HONOUR!!
10 Tactical Suggestions...:
Great post Octavius. The two greatest weapons we have to fight this problem are education and compassion - just don't know how to get them to were they are needed.
Good point that "charity should start at home" or in other words we should clean our own back yard before we ask others to clean thiers.
Regards Stef.
I'd love to see education would solve the bullying issue, unfortunately I can't. Seen historically bullying isn't anything new and still here stronger than ever.
However I believe what makes the difference is how society (that is we - us all - ) look upon this problem. Do we choose to look away in schools or in our streets, or are we brave enough to refuse to accept bullying by our actions? Do we dare to step in, say no, show support?? That's all about personal engagement, and in the long run about stand the sight of ourselves in the mirror the next day.
Maybe we can educate people to this level, I doubt it though. I believe it's more about the maturity and level of compassion in the world we are living in. And THAT is a complex issue.
Still it's so sad, and a huge tragedy for use all, whenever someone is driven to the point of no return, to the point of the complete definite surrender.
I've been stumbling on that gate, and when I nowadays read about someone young deciding to fall into the pit of darkness, it just break my heart.
Love
Daniel
(I hope this made some sense)
Actually, I disagree on one very important aspect: we *are* born with the tendancy to bully.
Apes are tribal; they stay in groups of "like" and will fight against anyone or anything that isn't in the group. The odd part is that "the group" will vary in definition depending on the nature of the threat, so that two tribes that regularly fight each other may band together against something else.
This is genetic. It's part of our evolutionary history, this tendancy to identify "us" vs "them" and use that as a justification for violence.
We also have a genetic "morality" that is heavily biased towards conforming for the common good: this is where "social justice" comes from. Apes have a tendancy to be willing to sacrifice their own well-being in order to "punish" someone else for a wrong. Not conforming, not fitting in, not being part of the tribe is all justification for getting shifted from the "us" column to the "them" column.
Bulying is just an extrapolation of these concepts: find the guy or gal who doesn't conform and beat them until either they do or they leave.
Of course, being genetically biased to something doesn't make it proper: apes also throw excrement at each other, whereas humans try to limit the excrement to the verbal variety.
The point is, this is definitely something that has to be overcome, and it *can* be overcome because the classification of "us" is so mutable. That's where the failing is: we break all these different traits into groups - gay vs straight, tall vs short, black vs white, east vs west - for what we think are good reasons, but in doing so we lay the foundation for exactly the discrimination we want to prevent. In creating classificaitons, we automatically generate the criteria by which people will be (mis)treated.
How many people remember being pre-school age and not being aware that some of their friends were asian, or black, or nordic, or whatever? At what point were we *taught* that differences in skin color or eye shape meant "different"?
@Austin : Conservative philosophy will say the very same thing, only with different words. Instead of "we are born with the tendancy to bully'; they will say " Man is, by nature, evil" It is by this mantra that they will stipulate a "law & order" mentality with controls consistant with stability and predictability - obedient zombies, if you will.
Democrates, on the other hand, are the "wild children". In- fighting is the word of the day. Bitching, moaning and argueing has been risen to an art form here. After much finger pointing and vocalizing, the "children" soon get tired, and start listening to the other points of view. Soon the sleepy little kids will start compromising here and there, untill a resolution is worked out where no one is happy and no one is sad. Each got a peice of the pie with a few bitters thrown in, and CHANGE takes place.
The only problem in this case is : how many more kids must DIE in the interum, waiting for this change to take place? We will not stop the bullying, but we can stop the dieing. The plan is simple. Only the affirmation on our part is where the work is needed for improvement.
@Foggy,
I'm not sure what the basis is for your politicization of the issue. The facts I stated are facts; they can be interpreted in different ways by different people. It isn't a value judgment to state that humans are animals and behave in mostly predictable patterns based on genetics, it's simply good anthropology.
The point I was making isn't that people are born evil. I don't think that's the case at all (I'm one of those people who doesn't believe in "evil", per se). People *are* born with certain tendancies; knowing how to shape, direct, or mitigate those tendancies is the key. The motivation for doing so might determine "good" or "evil" if you subscribe to those.
The main point is this: by focusing on differences, by pounding into everyone's head every day how different x person is from y, society is likely to only increase the tendancy to treat people disparately based on those "differences", real or imagined.
You can't stop someone from closing their eyes when they sneeze, and you can't stop someone from thinking of people differently when they are consciously perceived as "different": both are built into our biology. The key is that, while we can't change the conditions of a sneeze, we can certainly control the perception of "different". We can also control the expression of thought into action, and teach people that just because their first reaction is to do something doesn't mean they should do it.
Being conscious beings means being able to react to our own reactions - that implies both some measure of control and a large measure of responsibility for outcome. We can't stop biology; that's impossibe. But knowing *why* we react in certain ways by default is a large step towards controlling or directing said reactions.
Well said, sir. Well said. Excellent post.
There also needs to be an uprising against the idiots like Fred Phelps who has already indoctrinated his family's pre-teens with his brand of hate. He takes them to his protests - I love a comment made to one of the kids by an counter-protester in our area a month or so ago - they pointed at the two kids and yelled "shouldn't you be in school?". Well, I'm hear to tell you, they were, and we know what they're learning.
There are also fools like Andrew Shirvell, who is viciously attacking a 21yo student at U of M.
This is a comparable situation to the question I have about why all the so-called "moderate" and "peaceful Muslims in this country haven't risen up in huge numbers to denounce the radicals. Why isn't every other Baptist minister denouncing Phelps, and every Attorney General berating Shirvell? When even the (supposedly) anti-haters just sit on their hands, it makes it SO much harder.
It's late in the game, but it's never too late for a rally. We have to try. For the sake of our kids.
Peace <3
Jay in VA
If your Dad (or other male role-model) is a bully then I think you're less likely to suppress the natural urge.
Lots of television and films are based on the idea that 'might is right' - the biggest guy or the one with the biggest gun wins.
We must change society and how it gets its kicks if we want people to stop throwing their weight around so much. Frankly I think some countries are worse at this than others.
Octavius!
Wow!
What a passionate post! It's obvious this subject hits home for you.
But what can we do on an individual level?
Unfortunately, I think all of us have experienced bullying in some form or another. I know I have.
You rock, Octavius!
-Dean
I have but one objection to a very well-thout post. You say "If someone is forced into doing something..." It is not possible to FORCE anyone to do anything. a person may acquiesce to your coercion, but that is their choice...they CHOOSE to submit. Because our instinct for self-preservation is highly developed, most people will do the most horrendous things or suffer the most grievous humiliation, simply to stay alive for one more second. That is a CHOICE they make (albeit unconsciously)and justify it to themselves by saying "I was forced into it".
--Davey
HI friend, could you exchange link?my site is new, hope you dont mind
here is my site
http://gayfinders.blogspot.com/
http://khmergay.nibblebit.com/
Post a Comment