The Mercenary..., Octavius

We really make some of the most cutest ads....

2011-05-02T21:02:00.000+12:00

I saw this one for the first time tonite, so I thought I would share... the others are just some of my favourites... enjoy...

Back to basics...

2011-05-01T22:08:00.003+12:00

Holy crap it's been a long time, had to really dust off the old dashboard, just to see how this thing works again! Let's see... it was November when I posted last, so that makes it what, almost five months? Yeah that sounds about right. Long time, huh? Seriously though, I have kinda been lurking for all that time, I still check up on my favourite blogs from time to time, you may have noticed the odd comment here and there. I just haven't really felt the motivation to put myself out there for a while.

Lots has changed over that time, lots of guys have come and gone and some that I never thought to see again, have even come back from the depths. Still, there's heaps of blogs I miss, I have to say, but like everything else, nature abhors a vacuum and I notice that there's few pretty good new ones too.

So what's been happening in those months? Lots of things I guess. I moved out of the last place and went clear across the city, moving in with a chick that I worked with. I say that in the past tense, because she no longer works with us. In a way, it was the biggest mistake I've made in a very long time and I'll tell you why. Everything was going great for the first few weeks, then just before Christmas, she decides to have a major meltdown at work and quits her job. Didn't have another one to go to, just ups and walks out... I mean who does that, in this day and age? Crazy bitch!

So we're still living togehter for a while, just in a purely platonic sense of corse... I mean a girl? YUCK!!! Hahahaha... Anyways, she seems to be ok, has a little money saved and whatnot, so we're good for rent and bills and the like. Then I find out one night, that she's been relying on her mother for most of the cash and she's gonna get cut off if she doesn't move home, so that's exactly what she does. I end up taking over the flat and the bills.

Like I said, kind of a shitty situation really, but at the same time, it's kinda good. I now live alone, in my very own place! Still renting of course, but my name is on the lease agreement, so for all intents and purposes the place is mine. That's kinda cool really, I feel like all grown up and shit! It's definitely an interesting feeling, when you come in the door and see a home full of a whole bunch of stuff, then remember that it's all yours. Expensive though!

So in a lot of ways, I guess things are pretty good, I'm coping with the money situation at least. Still in the same job though, which pretty much sucks, but at least I have one, right?Still single too, which is a total bummer... Or not, as the case may be... hahahaha... Oh come on... A bit of potty humour never hurt anyone!

I finished writing my first book too, for any that ever read it and am well into the second, or sequel. A few of the girls at work have read it and keep getting on me to get published. I dunno about that though, I'm still not sure that it's good enough... Not too mention the fact that I really hate rejection! Still, maybe one day, might be nice to cruise through a book store and see my own sitting on a shelf... maybe...

Well that's about it for now, I think I've bored you for long enough... if anyone even reads this drivel anymore, that is!

A little light refrain to start us off...

2011-05-01T22:07:00.000+12:00

Must be played in the order posted I tell you... MUST!!!! Hahahaha!

OH!! And another thing...

2010-11-03T01:58:00.000+13:00

I may or may not have mentioned... I can't remember, but I'd really like to live anywhere else. I mean the little country I live in is really starting to get on my nerves. I know that everywhere has it's ups and downs, that pretty much the whole world sucks no matter where you live, taxes, corrupt governments... that sort of thing. But sometimes, I have to say I'm pretty damn proud to be a Kiwi,

and this is one of those times.

The other the day while sitting at my desk bored out of my skull I came across THIS article on the STUFF.CO.NZ website, about several gay defence force personnel.

Who says you can't wear green and be gay at the same time. We may be a small little country of just over four and a half million, loosely associated with Australia... but atleast we show some signsd of progress!

Then of course... when you have guys like this on your team... who needs enemies?

Once upon a time in... Wellington?

2010-11-03T01:38:00.000+13:00

Man I'm really starting to suck at this whole blogging thing. I dunno what's with me really, I've never had so much trouble saying something before. I mean usually I just open my fat mouth and a whole pile of shit just rushes out. Actually, that's a pretty funny image don't ya think? I even took a six week break from writing my book... I think it was six weeks.

To be fair, I really don't know what the hell is going on. I just feel in this kind of sticky molasses type malaise lately. Like I just can't be bothered doing anything, when I get home from work I just conk out on the bed and watch movies, before drifting off to sleep. I'm even totally behind in all the blogs I follow... sorry to those of you that still care about me... I will catch up one day, I promise.

It's work I think, to be honest, it's totally killing me. I feel so drained. So much so that I barely even leave the house anymore, unless it's to go back to that shithole, or get supplies. Nine Inch Nails had it so totally right... everyday is exactly the fucking same! I know I need to get out more, but I just totally don't have the energy.... the sad thing is, is I'm really lonely.

I'm on the way back though I think... maybe this will become a regular thing again.

What dreams may come...

2010-10-04T22:10:00.003+13:00

What have we done…? Where were we….? What are we doing…? What are we going to do…? How long till we realise it’s far too late… is seven poor souls enough, or does the mill need more so it can continue to grind out its meagre existence?

There’s been a bit of a furore in the news lately, over the past few months seven young men chose to end their lives. They did this because they could see no other way out. So I ask again, where were we? Where were those of us that have come before, and why can’t we see the inherent flaws within ourselves? Flaws that stopped us from seeing, that held us back, that said “It’s alright someone else will sort it… It’s someone else’s problem.” Why does it always take something truly horrible, to make us sit up and think about it? I mean, it’s not exactly hard to realise, we’ve all dealt with some measure of it in our own lives.

The mere fact that those young men, the youngest being thirteen, were gay really is irrelevant at this point. Because this crisis (Thank you Ellen!), doesn’t exist solely within the bounds of the LGBT community. It is prevalent throughout the far reaches of all society. Fat, thin, geeky, glasses, unpopular, poor, bad style sense, the very race you’re born into… these are all reasons or justifications for bullying. But bullying doesn’t limit itself to just those, oh no! Bullying is an equal opportunity employer, and sadly its ranks swell by the day. Society, religion, peer groups, or just the simple need to fit in somewhere… these are all hotbeds for recruitment. As a race of beings, we’re inherently social by nature, meaning, we like to be in a crowd… and if that crowd is bad, then that kid that everyone thought was a good kid will follow the crowd and do what the crowd does. Sad but true.

But what really makes a bully? Because I tell you this, it’s definitely not something we’re born into… it’s something we’re made into. Environment plays a big part in this, how we’re raised, where we live, what factors are prevalent in our everyday life, the opinions of of our parents or other family groups, our neighbors, our friends... the media. All those things can culminate to make a bully what they are. Generally speaking, most bullies are cowards… they are so scared of their own shadow, that they feel the need to make everyone else’s life miserable, because that’s how they feel. The rest just seems to be situational. Of course there are exceptions to every rule, and that's where the real monsters lye... but more on that another time.

Having said that, I’m not here to discuss the mechanics of what makes a bully… someone else can do that much better than I. What I wanted to talk about was the blatant hypocrisy that some people show. The best example was the massive outpouring of support shown by so many famous people during the Haiti disaster… where were those people and their money before it happened? Might have done a lot more good then. But that’s the thing isn’t it… as a race of beings, it’s far easier to show outrage and support after the fact, than it is to do anything really tangible to stop it before the crisis boils over. No, it’s far easier to react to popular opinion, than draw attention to oneself.

I’ve read posts and comments over this teen suicide situation from some pretty far reaching places… I’ve read the news, and listened to what Ellen had to say (Thanks for posting that DJ). But what does it all mean? Should we all band together to fight the good fight, now that it’s been drawn to our attention, or should we have been doing that little by little every day of our lives? Personally I think the latter would have been far more effective, but it takes work, hard work! Effort that we seldom show the likes of doing. I did, still do in fact… if that makes me a crusader, then so be it. But at least I’m consistent!

What really gets me is those people that only take notice when it suits them, or those that only appear to be on side, while in actual fact behind closed doors are some of the worst offenders… these people make me sick! And what’s worse though is the sick pleasure they seem to get from playing both sides… you know who you are… and you’re not smart enough to hide it from everyone else forever.What is it that these people really want... is it vulnerability? Do they want to keep everyone down so they can't fight back? You just have to look at the likes of columbine to understand how far you can push someone before they snap. And why is it that people can't see this when it happens, what have the all the safeguards really achieved?

They say that charity begins at home, but I tell you what… so does tolerance. There is absolutely no point getting the government involved, local or otherwise, the school boards, the police, or anyone else you can think of, until you can change the personal views of each individual human being. If someone is forced into doing something, they rebel against it… I know this to be a fact… I speed, I hate paying my taxes, and I even tried to avoid jury service the other week. Now, if I knew that all that was actually for something good, and the government asked me nicely… things might be a little different.But no... what's the point when you can just make someone do it... bend them to your will... wait, that sounds like bullying doesn't it?

Why yes, I think it does... so you see where there could be a problem there?

I have a friend… a very good friend that I care for deeply. You see, a few months ago, he made a really bad mistake, one that he has apologised for on countless occasions, yet he’s still being punished by those that profess themselves to be the great crusaders of our gay youth. Bullying comes in all forms, and this one is just as bad if not worse… but then I guess as far as they’re concerned what’s one more name for the mill huh? Maybe these people should take a good long hard look at themselves… nobody around these parts are squeaky clean.

But then, what rite do they have to be making these claims in the first place. Did our gay youth get up one day and say to them... "Hey, your big and strong and old... can you be my protector?". Somehow I highly doubt that. Me, I have no illusions that I'm some rainbow purple caped crusader... I've never turned anyone away, but I don't go looking for fights either. What rite do I have to impose my will upon anyone... that's right... no rite at all... I hope people can learn from this...

COURAGE AND HONOUR!!

Summertime is on the way...

2010-09-04T01:28:00.000+12:00

The Long Kiss Goodnight...

2010-09-04T01:18:00.000+12:00

I'd like to say that I haven't blogged in over a month, because I haven't had anything to blog about. But when I actually sit down and think about it..., well..., that really isn't true. The problem I have is that what I have had to blog about, is not all that pleasant. I haven't murdered anybody quite yet, so it's not that bad, it's just not overly happy is all.

To be honest, I've been feeling pretty depressed. My life as it stands, is one giant steaming pile of horseshit, or at least it has been. I'm still totally alone, and this really bothers me..., and to be fair, it's even for the lack of trying. But then, even my favourite toy doesn't seem to have that much appeal for me right now. Don't get me wrong..., we do still play..., just no where near as much as we used too..., if you catch my drift. I dunno..., I really just hope it's because I've been too tired lately.

Why am I tired? Well work is really hammering me. This whole new roster we have, is really getting me down. Four early starts, two days off, then four late finishes..., and then the whole thing starts all over again. It just seems like time is slipping away from me lately, or at least, that it's going a lot faster or something. I swear, that when I was doing a five on two off, the weeks weren't going this fast.

Then to add insult to injury, my worklife isn't going that well either. New manager, new overall boss..., and lot's of change. Why is it that very new person has to change things..., and why can't they see that what they're doing is not for the better? Can't they tell that we were happy the way we were? The mind truly boggles.

On the plus side, there is this particularly cute young fella that's started. Swimmers physique, not too tall, and the deepest most beautiful brown eye's I've ever seen..., not too mention a very cute butt. That I can work at all, when he's there, and in his usual "Playful" mode, is really quite beyond me. Be playful, I mean that he's an incessant tease..., he's beautiful, and sadly..., he knows it. Plus I think he knows what it does to me.I really am quite shameful in my staring..., must actually work on that at some point.

What it has done though, is brought out ,y feelings of loneliness. All I want is someone to hold, someone to love, who'll love me back..., is that really too much to ask? Honestly..., I don't think so..., sometimes I really feel like I'm destined to be alone.

Even my trusty Jeep failed me the other day, when i failed it's warent. Suspension swing arm and axle joint out of alignment. It's been that ay since I bought it, and has never been a problem in the past.., now it's a $1000 dollar problem. And that's money that at the time, I just didn't have..., thankfully the bank has sorted me out. But now, I'm in even greater debt..., I really hate debt!

Why does being an adult have to be so hard..., I thought it was supposed to be easy. In all seriousness..., I think I'd rather be 14 again

One flew over the cuckoos nest....

2010-07-09T04:34:00.000+12:00

Josh form "My Mortal Dream" took this test, so I thought I would give it a crack as well..., seems i'm a little more fruity than I first thought.

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: High
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Low
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Low
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

URL of the test: http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv
URL for more info: http://www.4degreez.com/disorder/index.html

Lost in Translation

2010-07-07T19:36:00.000+12:00

It would have been my little brother's birthday today..., just seven days after mine..., I turned 32, he would have been 17. I was 15 when he came into my life, and through an unfortunate series of events, I was still 15 when he went out of it. I can't find it within myself to accept or forgive for that. I just can't get over what I missed out on, watching him grow to the fine young man, I know he would have been, watching him tumble through life's many obstacles, being right there to hold his hand or dry his tears.

All that was taken from me, and I'm really seriously bothered by it. What's worse is that I just can't ever seem to figure out why? One of the most provocative questions since man was still cavorting in caves and loincloths..., WHY?!

I've done a lot of soul searching over the years, spent some time in a deep depression, and more time at the bottom of a bottle. This wasn't all of it, no my brother was only part of it, but he was a big part. I've had people try to talk me out of it, I've even had people telling me about god's will..., well I can tell you now..., what an absolute load of total fucking BOLLOCKS!

I mean look..., if you want to follow a faith, and be all you can be for god, you go right ahead. Far be it for me to tell you how to live your life. But..., and this is a big but..., I cannot in all good conscience even begin to believe in something that would take away the love joy and happiness that was taken away from my family. Sorry but I just don't have the time or energy for that.

This is all I have to go on now. I have absolutely no way of knowing what kind of guy he would have become, or what he would have looked like, though I can imagine..., because imagination is all I have left.

Picture post - Some tasty boys...

2010-06-09T23:51:00.000+12:00

I Really miss summer..., it's like full on cold over here now..., I wanna go somewhere where the boys can dress like this all day!

The Matrix...

2010-06-09T23:35:00.000+12:00

That's just about how I'm feeling right now. Just a number..., used up like a tired battery pack about to be flushed. I so totally swear that the company I work for, has taken it's management style straight from that movie..., it even has agents I tell you! Even though they're in the form of HR reps, they're still godawful agents. Right now it's survey time..., new CEO, new ideas. He wants to be in the top ten employers of my country within five years..., WTF?! Better start treating us better then!

Like I said though, it's survey time..., we just did one for how we would like to see the company..., yeah like they're gonna pay attention to that! Now we have to do one about how the company actually is..., hahahahaha!!! What a laugh..., i'm actually looking forward to that one. They say it's confidential, I don't believe them..., I don't give a fuck either! It's time for total 100% unadulterated honesty.

To make matters worse, my department is being "Restructured", my job is still safe, thank God! But it's interesting what they have planned, and there may be a job going going that might be good for me. A new position is being created, called the "Contact Centre Manager". As the only one with the seniority and experience, I may even get it..., would be a jump in salary of about $15K, so that'll come in handy. It will also mean no more shift work, and no more nights, so that'll be good too I reckon. Not sure if I want that level of responsibility though. I'll let you know if anything comes of it.

On another note, yeah it's been a while huh? I know..., I'm a real bad blogger. I'm pretty slack too, not that that matters though. Almost a month has gone past, and not a great deal of interest to talk about.

I did finish writing my first book though, and it seems to have been well received. I've even started working on the next one. Trying a different style with that, so should be fun. If you're interested the link is still on the side bar, just click on the navy symbol.

Well that's it I guess, just checking in, for those that care...

Hugs, Courage and Honour!

Octavius.

Tears of the Sun...

2010-05-10T19:17:00.003+12:00

If you look at my blogroll, you will see that I follow several young guys. Now I know what some would think about that, but let me tell you..., it's nothing of the kind. Some of these guys are really hurting, and if I can help out in any way..., then as a guy who has been through a decent amount in my own life..., who am I not to pass on the knowledge of experiences. Trust me..., there is absolutely nothing nefarious here at all.

What has really saddened me this last week or so is everything that's happened with the younger ones..., one of which turned out to be an old dude..., what the fuck is up with that? I mean..., why would someone want to do that, something so confidence shattering to all the real young guys out there that look up to them..., it begs belief that's for sure. I know you should be circumspect in any dealings you have with people over the net, but it just seems like the universe is losing it's grip with reality!

(That's not him by the way..., that's Remy Thorne..., it's just the pic he used for his profile..., in case you were wondering.)

Sadly..., I lost another one today..., seems like all the blogs I follow are dropping off or being deleted. This one though was pretty special to me. I didn't know much about him at first..., kinda just knew him in passing from the comments he left on the "Rent Boy" site..., but after a while he started a blog..., well that's gone now, and I'm not overly happy about it, but I respect the reason why it has been taken down.

You see, the auther of said blog..., a young fella named JJ, was one of those rare kids that you just instantly like. He wasn't all about being cool, in fact when he first started his blog he was so timid and unsure of himself. As the months went on though, with his blog you got the unerring sense that you were watching him grow into the strong and determined man that he will become some day.It really warmed the heart, and I felt myself get a little excited every time I saw one of his posts pop up on the dashboard.

Here's the comment I posted on two of my follow bloggers blogs..., whether it will stay there and see the light of day..., I really don't know..., but here it is...

"You know what? Everyone is so concerned about chasing their own tails and sorting out who is to blame, that they are forgetting the true reason for why we are here. And besides, as cool as JJ is..., and he really is by the way..., he is still a child..., and he isn't our child. I consider the boy a friend, and I truly hope he thinks the same of me, but I would never once even consider telling him what to do, or telling his parent's what to do with their child. They have a responsibility to maintain the safety of their child..., and if this is how they see to do it, then all power to them.

What we have here gentleman is a simple case of not knowing all the facts..., don't you think it's prudent to find out, or at least wait until they become known before we all fly off the handle like a pistol half cocked.

In the end, as close as we all are..., some of us more than others I grant you..., who is in the best position to help JJ through whatever it is he's going through? That's right..., his parents. Lets not demonise them for what they doing, instead..., at least I am anyway, lets support them..., no matter how much we may hate what they are doing.

If you want to blame anyone..., I'll put my hand up, and I think some of you may know why I say that..., but i'm gonna leave it there.

To JJ I say this..., this isn't goodbye Kiddo..., we will see each other again.

To Rowan I say..., don't beat yourself up mate..., you're a cool guy, and you're one of the reasons why JJ blossomed into the great kid we all have come to know and love.

Hugs, Courage and Honour!

Octavius."

I'm not really sure why I wanted to post this, and I don't even know if the others involved ever even come here..., but in a small way I think I'm responsible for what happened..., if that's true then I'm really sorry to everyone involved..., it was never my intent to hurt anyone.

I will miss JJ's blog, but hopefully we'll be able to stay in touch so I can personally apologise.

Desperado...

2010-05-06T23:10:00.000+12:00

God! What a shit week i'm having so far..., and it's only been three days!!!! Tuesday (first day back after my weekend), was probably the worst. As if it was a parting shot, my team leader let slip to me that I was in some serious shit for swearing on the phones. Now I make it a point to never swear on the phone, because you really can't tell who's listening right? Well as it turns out, this particular time, my phone didn't disconnect after a call, and the new manager is listening in to calls. My phone is sometimes dodgy like that, apparently the punter had disconnected, so it really isn't that bad..., I only found that out today however!

Scared me shitless..., she let me stew on it for almost three days, thinking that i'm about to be fired for gross misconduct! To tell you the truth, i'm seriously considering a "PG" over the whole thing, at the very least some nice relaxing "Stress leave"..., hmmm yeah free leave on full pay..., that'll fuck em! In the end though, all i'm getting is a verbal warning about my behaviour..., I said to that..., "With all the shit we have to deal with..., a boy has to vent! Still I have to say that I am thankful that i'm employed..., it could've turned out a lot worse.

So what else then..., well..., i'm ramped up the new job search, I just have to get out of there, and i'm now very much actively looking. Had some good luck, and some bad. There's been a couple that might be good ones that i'm on the list for. So on that i'll just have to wait and see.

Have also lost contact with a couple of friends over the last week or two. Bit of a shame really because they're some pretty cool guys, and I really do kinda miss them. Probably my own fault really, I think I should have paid better attention. Have sent a few emails trying to reconnect, so maybe something will come of it..., who knows?

At this juncture..., i'm reminded of a phrase I hear once, one that I think I should take heed to...

"This too shall pass..."

Courage and Honour!

Octavius.

One flew over the cuckoos nest...

2010-05-01T22:42:00.000+12:00

My god what a shit week! Honestly i'm just barely holding onto the very thin threads of what is left of my sanity. Let me tell you...., it's not all that easy, but I am trying. What's making it worse is that the lovely government we have, in their infinite wisdom has decided to raise the price of tobacco..., 24% instant increase..., that works out to around $8 on top of the already exorbitant price that they already demand. It's just shit, because I can just bet that my company will claim poverty again when it comes to pay-rises this year.

Honestly I'm just making ends meet right now, and this is just one more kick to the nuts! All the excuses in the world aren't enough to disguise the fact that this is just another blatant revenue grab, and it's really getting me down.

I'm still looking for a better job though, and things are somewhat promising at the moment, even though I have been knocked back a few times, things are still looking up. Hopefully I can get something going soon, because I tell you what..., i'm gonna lose it if I don't.

Music Post - Something a little different...

2010-04-19T14:17:00.001+12:00

Obviously in no particular order....

Picture Post - Fairwell to the boys of summer...

2010-04-19T14:02:00.000+12:00

Definitely, Maybe...

2010-04-19T13:50:00.001+12:00

Been a long time huh..., I hate to say it, but the reports of my untimely demise are woefully untrue. The sad fact of the matter is that I've just been having a really shitty time of it lately. We've lost several staff at work, and the powers that be don't seem that keen on replacing them..., makes for a much heavier workload for all the rest of us, and it's getting us all down. Not too mention the shitty performance rep I got, and the manager that has no clue what he is doing. Fun times all round really. So in a nutshell that does give you a little idea as to my absence, really all I want to do most nights when I get home, is to just crawl into bed and await the onslaught for the next day.

It's not all doom and gloom though..., I have been having a little fun. Been spending some good quality time with friends, and watching a few good movies. I saw "Where the wild things are" the other day, was pretty good actually, bit nostalgic too, I can remember my dad reading that to me when I was a kid. I thought that the movie was a little scary actually, well for little kids anyway, but was still pretty good.

One thing I will mention, my blog is now..., as of the 28th of last month..., technically a year old. Though I didn't really start to post in any kind of a regular fashion until about August I think..., anyways so yeah, a year old, pretty cool huh?

Something else too..., and this is something I started right back at the beginning of this year, I do something with posts that no one has seemed to notice. Something with titles..., I had figured that at least someone would have picked up on it..., maybe not though, as it seems that no one has.

Well that's about all for today..., am gonna post some pics and a few music clips as well, just coz I haven't done it in a while.

Hugs and kisses on all your pink parts...

Octavius.

Man on Fire

2010-03-11T13:03:00.000+13:00

Just a quick note to let you all know that I still alive. Barely, but still here. Had some staffing issues at work, and that has meant that i am pulling really long hours and mostly on my own..., consequently I am totally exhausted! So much so that when I get home, I have barely enough energy to read a few blogs, before I crawl into my very comfortable bed. Everything seems to be on the back burner right now, but I am trying very hard to keep up with my writing.

Found a new blogger today though, and he's a Kiwi..., makes me very happy, as I was starting to get a little lonely over here. He's a young fella, but seems well worth the visit..., DC is his name, and can be found HERE.

Guess what i said in the last post, has turned out to be an epic fail, but I still have those things to talk about, and I will get to them..., hopefully soon!

Hugs, Courage and Honour!

Octavius.

Ghost Rider...

2010-03-05T03:23:00.000+13:00

I really do feel a little like a ghost lately. Like I'm stuck in a never ending malaise of unreality. Being a grown up sucks ass some times..., it really does.

Have had quite a bit to do over the last few days, and of course work has been weighing me down. Had to take my jeep in for a warrant the other day, which meant I had to get the windscreen replaced, as it had a rather large chip in it. It passed, but there was mention of the tires starting to perish.

So that lead to me relinquishing money I really don't have. To be honest the whole saga was grief from start to finish. As it turns out, the size tires I have aren't made anymore, and I had a spare that was a different size as well. So I had tire companies looking all over the country to try and sort me out..., GRIEF!!!! In the end, I just went with ones that were of the smaller size, I now have five of the same. Still cost a packet though!

Other than that, nothing much else has been happening, work still sucks and the love life isn't that much better. But I am keeping on. No point in dwelling eh? Got a few things I want to discuss, so you can expect a bit more of a regular posting schedule coming up..., well that's the plan anyway.... hahahaha!!

Hope all is well in your world...

Octavius.

Generations...

2010-02-24T22:57:00.004+13:00

Wow! Interesting weekend. Finished work on Thursday evening and pretty much drove straight home to the parents house. Did have to stop off at mine, as I didn’t want to leave all my shit in the Jeep over the day…, to easy to steal anything, I didn’t want to run the risk. I tell you the last thing that I need is to have someone cut through my windows!

Drive wasn’t so bad, it’s only about an hour and a half away…, depending on traffic. Have always liked driving at night for some reason…, no idea why…, guess it’s just more peaceful. Anyways got home to find my brother and his Australian wife there. Out of all the years they have been together, I really have only spent a couple of days, in total, with her, so I still have yet to form a proper opinion. Not really sure about her though…, seems to need to be in the spotlight all the time, and I have to admit this bothers me a little. It was pretty late when I arrived, so we pretty much all went to bed…, well they did, I stayed up watching telly till I fell asleep a few hours later.

So the next day got rudely awoken far too early…, as I was on the lounge floor, by everyone walking around. I think I managed about five hours in the end. The kid was screaming, the brother was fighting with the wife…, all good natured, but they seemed to either forget that I was there, or they just didn’t care. Probably the latter…, my brother has been a right prick to me since we we’re both kids. I have no idea what his problem is, I mean he is the favourite…, and the oldest, so he always got everything, and I got punished and held back for his mistakes. Still…, I’m not bitter…, really

So when mum (The evil stepmother… hahahahaha…, no not really we love each other to pieces.), got home, we all packed up the vehicles and jumped in. Mum was riding with me, as there was only room for three in dad’s car, what with the baby in all, and I have this thing about smoking while I drive…, mum is the only other smoker of this group so she tagged along with me. Was a great trip, took about 4 hours to get to Taupo. Mum and I talking each other’s ears off the whole way. My sister, and my other niece, came down from Auckland and met us there. Was really good to see them, my god that little girl has shot up! My own fault for being lax in my visiting I guess.

Taupo itself was fantastic! Weather was beautiful, clear skies, sunny, and very hot the whole time we were there. Temps were hovering around the 30c (80f, for our American cousins) mark, even the nights were hot at around half that. Took the roof off of the Jeep, as soon as I got there. I just love the feeling of that…, that whole wind through the hair thing. Spent quite a bit of time, just running around the country side, doing the touristy things. The first night we had a kick ass bbq dinner, was super yum. Then the second night we went out for a picnic of ‘Fish and Chips’ on the side of the lake. Was just amazing to watch the sun go down over the hills, the sunstrike on water…, simply beautiful.

Went to a place called Huka Falls. It’s not really a water fall, in the traditional sense, but the awesome power of it can not be denied. The ‘Falls’ themselves is a passage in a river, where hundred odd meter expanse, is forced into a fifteen meter channel. You could feel the rumble of it up on the bridge. Went out on the second night. Town was pretty dead even though there was a big round the lakes fun run thing, but then I guess it is a little town. Didn’t see much in the way of candy, but there was a fella that I had my eye’s on. If I wasn’t with my brother, his wife, and my sister..., I may have even considered pursuing him. But alas, sober driver duties took precedence.

While I was there I took a walk along the track that ran beside the river. Was some truely beautiful scenery there. Reminds me just how lucky I am to live in the country I do...

On the drive home, the seating arrangements were the same, so mum and I spent even more time together. Was really great, as we usually don’t get to spend this much time together. Was an interesting trip home, ended up taking the loooonnnnggg route home. I admit, I missed a few turns, but neither of us really cared. We stopped at Ohakune for gas and a piece of bacon and egg pie…, YUM! Then headed down the island. Once we got to the homestead, we just chillaxed for a while, before having a bang up BBQ. Steaks and salad…, all good.

After dinner I drove home. Again at night, so I was shocked to see the hills on fire. Appears some child thought it would be fun to set fire to a few things. Shame for him it got way out of control. Still the skyline looked pretty cool as the hillside burned.

So that was my trip…., pretty cool huh?

Human Traffic....

2010-02-18T02:11:00.002+13:00

I'm away for a few days. Going to a family thing up in Taupo. Should be fun, and i'll let you in on the goings on when I get back.

Hell is for Heroes...

2010-02-13T01:36:00.001+13:00

I had a post all lined up..., even had it completely written out. But in the end, it was far too dark..., even for me!! Suffice it to say, I had a rather shitty day at work (Being understaffed in a busy period when everything breaks, is super uncool!!), and was stupid enough to contemplate writing a post. I have since thought better of posting it.

This is how it feels sometimes.

Thanks for all the comments, they really were my one and only shining light in an otherwise dreary day. And that email that you sent..., you know who you are (Though how you got out of the basement is anyone's guess... hahahahahaha!!), I will think about it. I make no guarantees though.

I have been rather down lately, and I do kinda feel cut off from the rest of the world. I have made a lot of friends in the blogsphere, but they all seem to be elsewhere in the world, and the time differences are really getting me down. Hence the "Cut off" feeling. I know that I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I guess though, unless I move elsewhere in the world, which may be a possibility, I will just have to get over it.

Maybe one day I will be on the inside looking out..., instead of the outside looking in......

More later.....

Picture Post - Some yummy boys....

2010-02-12T13:20:00.000+13:00

Because you know, there is nothing like a nice sweet smile, to set the heart a flutter..., hmmm?

Quantum of Solace...

2010-02-12T13:06:00.000+13:00

So..., been a long time huh? Well i'm fine..., how are you?

Pleasantries and platitudes..., aren't they wonderful? All in all though I have been pretty much ok over the last week. My three day weekend was pretty good, did nothing other than write, but was pretty good all the same. When I got back to work on Tuesday, I discovered that the written warning I thought they were going to try and give me, had been reduced to a verbal. Seems the team leader had a conversation with the HR dept, and they must have told her to pull her head in. Honestly I like the woman but she isn't the sharpest tool in the shed..., she completely forgot about disciplinary procedure. Oh well my gain I guess.

Man I am getting really lazy with this whole ting. I mean I want to continue, and I really enjoy the company of you guys, even if it is just virtual. But I am just so tired lately, I can barely even think of jerking off when I get home. Maybe there is something actually wrong with me? Doubt it, but it would be a good excuse.

I guess I should explain the last post a bit. You guys were kinda half right and half wrong. What I was getting at, was that I'm feeling really isolated right now. I am stuck in this work, sleep, wake, try and wank, work, sleep..., perpetual cycle. The only thing keeping me going for a while there was the comments I was getting, both here and over at the story site. I mean I know it sounds bad, and yes I would like some cheese with my whine, but lately the comments seemed to have dried up. And to be honest, I am feeling a little like more and more every day I am alone.

It's probably just my head trying to fuck me up, but I can't discount it if you know what I mean. Maybe if I posted more...? Maybe I should just go back to enjoying my own company..., ah the Quantum of Solace.

All quiet on the Western front...

2010-02-05T13:29:00.000+13:00

Been a little quiet of late, and to honest I am feeling a little unloved. I don't know if I am just being over sensitive, or it really is as I fell..., but there you go. Maybe it is just the fact that Valentines day is just around the corner, and like so many years before, I have no one special to spend it with. In times past, even though it is just a commercial gimic, I have really enjoyed Valentines..., one really is the loneliest number sometimes...

I don't know. Maybe i'm just over thinking things, but I really do feel this way. I see so many couples on the streets, and I just have to stop myself before I get angry. I just can't help but think..., "Why can't I have that?". I mean was is so terribly wrong with me, that I seem so destined to be alone?

One of those aforementioned couples I saw in the supermarket the other day..., they must have been atleast 70, but they still held hands all the way through, and were whispering and smiling at each other. Even after so long, well I assume it was, I mean who can tell these days..., they just seemed so loving, like they were back in high school or something..., it was really sweet for them..., but depressing for me.

I may post more about this later, but right now I have to get to work.

A Bridge Too Far...

2010-02-02T23:59:00.000+13:00

Well hey there chaps..., had an interesting weekend. But Jesus! Did my bankcard take a pounding. Honestly!! It was like like an angry brother aiming for late night penetration without lube... hahahahaha!!!

Perhaps I should explain that a little. Saturday was a gorgeous day, around 27c and sunny as all hell! Consequently I did bugger all..., it was just too hot. Sunday however, the weather did a complete 180, and to cheer myself up I went shopping. I wasn't planning on spending much money, but then I am a sucker for sales, and as it turns out, Warehouse Stationary, was having a "Back to school" sale...., so in the end I did my own version of "Changing Rooms".

BEFORE...

AFTER...

Unfortunately I couldn't do much for the decor, as I don't own the place, but I did to my best to make things a little more homey like.I bought a new computer desk on the el'cheapo, and a decent office chair. This has had the effect of opening my small room up quite considerably, and it also means that i'm not always in bed... hahahaha!!!

The whole thing didn't end there though..., oh no! I also bought a new phone..., well when I say bought, what I actually mean, is got for absolutely free! I really love free stuff..., YAY VODAFONE!!!!

My old phone...

My new phone...

The dude at the store said, "It comes in black and white..., which would you prefer?" Now, I thought to myself...., I have nothing against the black one..., but white is so much cooler..., and well, there you go!

So there you have it, from shit weather to broke, in two easy steps! Still all in all, it was a good weekend, got to hang out with my heterosexual life partner, which was fun. Honestly the things we discuss, are really quite insane at times. Take this one for example...

I don't know how we got on to the subject, but we started talking about our first times. He was amazed when I laid it all out to him, so I thought I would share with you as well. You see, I guess I started quite young..., I mean all the kids were playing around where I lived so I just thought it was natural. I knew pretty early on, even though I didn't understand it, and wouldn't come to grips with it until I was about fifteen, but, as I said, I knew pretty early on that I was into guys.

It all started when I was eight..., there was quite a few of us kids in the neighbourhood, of ages varying from mine (I was the youngest), to fourteen..., we would hang out, play street rugby or cricket, depending on the season. But we would also get together at eachother's houses, for what we called "Playtime", usually involving some kind of fooling around. I can remember being really into it, and would always look forward to it, though it didn't happen often for me, as I was pretty young.

When I turned ten though, things got pretty serious, and by the time I was eleven, there was pretty much nothing I hadn't done with a guy. Looking back now, I guess I was too young, and there are some things I wish that I hadn't done, or at least done differently. No internet back then, so a lot of it, was on the job training..., if you get what I mean?

Like I said earlier, my mate was shocked..., he told me that he was sixteen his first time..., I kinda regretted telling him afterwards actually. He kept talking about molestation and shit like that, but to be honest, I can not remember ever having been coerced into anything. Maybe I was just too young to fully understand it, I don't know, all I know was that I was into it.

Funny the things you talk about with friends, huh?

Master and Commander...

2010-01-29T23:07:00.001+13:00

Plays this wonderful NIN track while you read the next bit. Honestly I think this should be my official theme song! ... Why can't our lives have an actual soundtrack?

Well...!!! An interesting day today..., once again I got chewed out by my boss. Once again it was for a pathetic misunderstanding, but once again I have been hung out to dry. I can't believe this shit really..., and what annoys me the most, is that on the same token I am being told how important to the team I am. It's almost like I am being coddled! I mean if I am as good (I am by the way), as she says I am to the team, why am I always being ridden so damn hard. It seems like there is about two or three people where I work that always want to take what I say or do out of context, and then run off to the boss to taddle. I've really had enough of this shit!

Honestly..., just like one or two people around here, if you have a problem with me, then man up and tell and me to my face...., I can't stand "Back Stabbing".

So now that I have that off my chest, lets begin.

I really smell good right now..., I can't quite understand it. I mean it's really warm, so i'm kinda sweaty (Sitting here in nothing but boxer shorts... hahahahaha!!)...., but I can smell my skin, and it's kinda...., yum. I don't why I am telling you this, just wanted to share. Like I said it's really warm. Summer has finally hit I hope, we have been having some really nice weather over the last few days. Temperatures are getting up there with an average of 25C. To tell you the truth I am really loving it, not too hot, not too cold....., just right!

So what's going on then? Well I have the weekend off, after my marathon seven day stint at work. I have no idea what I am going to do, but I think that shopping is definitely on the agenda. Especially since payday is tomorrow..., YAY ME!!!! Have to get another few chapters out on my book over the next few days aswell, I only have two more, that complete the current part. Don't know where I will go from there but it should be good fun finding out.

I'll let guys know how i'm getting on as the weekend progresses.

The importance of being earnest....

2010-01-27T23:46:00.000+13:00

As you know, I hadn't planned on posting until the weekend. However something happened to me today..., for the first time I might add, that just begs to be spoken of. I got my first kinda nasty "Anonymous" comment. Oh it was hidden behind a warning sure..., but the nastiness is glaringly obvious..., to me at least. This seemed to be coupled with some very nasty shit on a fellow blogger's site. The guy in question has always struck me as a genuine and very loving guy..., why anyone thinks he deserves this type of crap, is well beyond me! If you are reading this Ryan, I am so sorry man, I would love to fight your battles for you..., and trust me, that is something I am exceedingly good at, but I can't. All I can do is try to be there for you, and anyone else that has to put up with this shit.

Life isn't really fair sometimes, you just have no choice but, to try to get through it with your sanity intact. Everyday i deal with more assholes than any person should have to, but then that's just the nature of the business I work in. In my job, I have been accused of murder, thievery, corruption..., and the downfall of society. According to one really "nice guy", the company I work for is responsible for every act of crime in my small country. I don't really believe that, but people are entitled to their opinions..., that doesn't mean I want to hear them though! So then..., to have to come home after a long day, when I already feel like absolute shit, all I really want to do, is to jump on here, and have the love..., that most of my followers show me..., wrap me up in a tight little ball, and make me feel sane and normal again.

But what is it I see? ... HATE!.

Before I continue I have something to show those of you, that care nothing for those I consider friends, for me, or for my sanity.....

---------------------------------------

So here we go..., here is my all telling reasons on the pics that I post..., in keeping with the title of this post, I am going to be completely honest.

1) I have never made any false claims as to what I find attractive. I am Gay..., hence I like to look at guys. I do like to look at younger guys..., though I could, to tell you the truth, never really see myself in a relationship with one. I'm just too old for that anymore..., my limits tend to extend to 5yrs either side of my age right now..., that makes it 26 to 36.

2) I choose the pics I post, based off of what I am feeling at the time. In the last case, being a hot summers evening, I was feeling particularly warm, therefore I posted beach and pool shots. I have a rather large selection to chose from..., as I am sure we all have! Some of the pics I have taken myself, but most were, and probably still are..., freely available from the web. So who is the real villain here?

3) I have never posted any image..., or even have any saved on my harddrive..., of any boy that seems even remotely under the legal age of consent in my country. That age would be 16 by the way. look it up if you don't believe me. I'm not into that sort of thing.

4) I take great care to show images that are in no way lurid, suggestive..., or even pornographic in any way shape or form..., i'm not about that on my blog, if that's what you want then there are plenty of others around. What you chose to do with these shots, is up to you, and all power to you..., what I do with them is my business.

5) AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT! My blog is not listed as "Not Safe For Work", there is no adult content warning here..., sure I swear a lot, but I dare you to go to any primary school and see if you can hear any different.

----------------------------------------

Why do people feel the need to censor others..., what rite do they have to be this way? If anyone has ever had a problem with what I post, then I would rather you just "FLAG" the blog and let the people, that is their job, sort it out. Because to be honest, I really think that I would come up smelling like some very pretty roses. I don't plan on editing any of my posts, and I never delete either. So I guess there you have it. I post what I post, and I write what I write, because I want to. Not because I am trying to entertain..., if I do entertain you, then that's just gravy..., and so much the better.

I really don't know what this guy was implying..., does he think I am some kind of pedo? If that's the case then I have no idea where he gets that from. Why? .. Because I'm Gay? Does the fact that I like to sleep with guys, all of a sudden make me a pedophile? No dickhead it does not! To tell you the truth, if that was where his mind went, then what does that say about him?

Having said all that, I have no problem with what anyone else chooses to view, if it is not to my taste, then I simply tune out, or switch off. You see, it's not my place to enforce censure on anyone but myself. And again I will be perfectly honest with you..., I have in the past, and will probably continue to do so..., talk to several young guys about all manner of things. Some are younger than legal age..., but we are all, in the end, human. I have gone through what they are now going through, so who am I to turn them away if they need or want help and advice? I don't believe there exists in any country, a legal age of consent for friendship.

I have never turned a friend away..., even if I can't yet help them, and I don't plan to start now. To all of those who have in the past, and continue to show me the love of friendship..., I say THANK YOU! You all mean more to me than you could possibly imagine, but remember this....

This is my blog people..., mine..., I will do with it as I will.

Hate me..., Love me..., Ignore me..., I'll take all comers!

Courage and Honour!

Octavius.

Internalisation Strategy....

2010-01-27T03:23:00.000+13:00

Wow..., i'm a terrible blogger..., it's been like 6 days since I posted some of my boring drivel. It's little wonder I'm feeling unloved..., I guess you guys must think I have forgotten about you, huh? Well no chance of that..., this, you, my story..., are the only things that are keeping me sane right now.

Work is the kicker here..., on a bit of a long run between days off, and I am just so tired when I get home, that I just don't seem to have the energy..., regardless of how much inclination I have. I do have some interesting shit (Well I think so anyway!) to talk about, so I'll update you all on the weekend. A trip down memory lane..., something I was talking about to my bestie the other night, over a very mediocre McDonalds meal..., should be fun.

To tide you over..., how about some yummy boys...

Gotta love a summer "Two for one special"..., huh?

Love Actually...

2010-01-21T01:02:00.002+13:00

So..., I was listening to an interview by a fellow blogger, Mickey from HockeyKidMN, formerly "A gay hockey kids life". The interview is on a pod cast, and can be found HERE. It is about 40 mins in, but I didn't know that, and ended up listening to the whole thing..., was pretty good actually, and I highly recommend you go have a listen. Mickey is a good kid, but like a lot of "Closeted" young men, is finding life pretty hard and unfair. His blog is also worth a look..., I warn you now though, if you aren't into hockey, you soon will be!!

Anyways, the start of the podcast had the two guys talking about the Kinsey Scale, For ease of operation I will put the actual scale here...

Now the two presenters, who are gay by the way..., or at least one of them is, were going on about how they were at a party, and some fellas were asking where they thought they fell on the above scale. Apparently, according to the questioner, if you have had sex, with a person of the opposite gender, you can never be a "6". Now to me this is just absolute bullshit. "Why the fuck not?!" I would have asked. You see, in my mind..., if you haven't, then you will always wonder.

Now, I would consider myself to be a "6" in that I have no fantasies about women..., and I definitely have no desire to do anything sexual with one. Yet, in the past I have done. Don't get me wrong, I am sure there are plenty of people out there that just knew from the off, that they were inclined to the same gender, but for me it was a definite process. I guess when I was a teenager, you could say I was a bit of a window shopper. I mean..., you have to try before you buy ..., right?

So getting back to the "6" part. I haven't had sex, or even thought about sex, with a chick in well over a decade. I am solely Gay..., the complete rainbow, if you will. To me, that makes me a "6"..., or am I wrong? Don't think that I am all about labels, because I truly am not, I just don't like people telling me what I can and can't be..., you know why? Coz Fuck them..., that's why!

So here it is..., I would like your opinion on all this. And if you feel comfortable enough to voice it, where you think you fit in the scale as well.

_________________________________________

Haven't heard much about Tyler from "I'll do tricks for you" lately..., but last report had him awake and talking..., and like a true teenager..., complaining. I think that was the best bit I heard...., he can't be all bad if he can bitch! Get well soon dude..., still thinking of you every day.

About a Boy...

2010-01-17T01:05:00.001+13:00

First off..., Ty from "I'll do tricks for you" is awake. The Docs brought him out of his coma, and after some time he opened his eyes..., good news indeed! You can get the full story from Ryan's BLOG. If you have the desire, go on over to both, and leave a few encouraging words.

Now then..., what the hell is going on with me? Not a great deal actually..., work is taking up to much of my time, and I hate it. My social life is still stagnant..., as after a hard day of talking to general fuckwits, I am finding it harder and harder to talk to the people I actually like. I really have to do something about this, or I will lose the few people I really care about, due to inaction on my side.

My writing is going really well..., click the pic to go to the story...

I am getting several really nice comments about it. The last few chapters have been really draining though. I really want to get it finished, so that I can try and get it published. That prospect is really exciting to me. And I'm sure that I could probably get a couple of novels out of my characters. I have even been considering a parallel book, from the other characters perspective. Could be an interesting thing to look into.

The weather has really turned to shit over here..., is very depressing. It's been raining fairly solidly for a couple of days... mist, fog, wind, cold..., it's supposed to summer damn it! Why have the weather gods forsaken me? Day off tomorrow, and it's gonna be raining again..., this sucks, a whole day, and I can't get out and enjoy it! Might go shopping though..., that might cheer me up.

The Lost Boys...

2010-01-12T21:36:00.001+13:00

Got word from Ryan, on his BLOG, He says that Ty is in an induced coma.This one is a mixed bag, I must say..., as the Doc's wouldn't have done it, unless it was pretty serious. Yet at the same time, it is also pretty good, because whatever happened, this will give his body the chance to heal..., we do our best healing when we are sleeping, so I have high hopes, for a good outcome.

Now I am not a religious man, but I know that a few of my followers are, so I ask you to please spare a moment to to say a prayer for Ty, and for his family, in their time of need. Ryan asked his followers and friends to put up the below picture..., so like a good follower, I will do just that.

Tyler..., buddy, i'm sending you as much love and support as I can. Whatever you need to do, do it fast, for your families sake and for ours as well, get better little dude...,I'm pulling for you.

Courage and Honour!

Saving Private Ryan...

2010-01-10T04:38:00.001+13:00

Well my heart nigh on broke a few minutes ago..., I got all excited when I saw that a pretty cool young fella had posted again on his blog. To my surprise, I got something I never would have wished for. There is a message on Tyler's blog "I'll do tricks for you" to go over to his brother's blog "Ryan's Life". On Ryan's blog there is a message left by Mike, stating that Tyler has had an accident, and though it doesn't say much, it says that Ryan has flown home and has been at Tyler's hospital bedside since late Thursday, their time.

Tyler said that he had a race this weekend, and that he was trying to get a lot of practice in, so I can only assume, something happened on one of those runs. I dearly hope not, but without details the mind wanders. I don't want to cause panic or alarm, but if you know these two guys you really should head over there and lend your support..., if you don't know them, you should do it anyway.

Tyler and I got a little closer over the last week or so, what with a chat on MSN, and then a few emails..., I was really starting to like the guy. His honesty struck me, and I was beginning to enjoy his company. So for here and now, my thoughts are with him and his family..., I hope everything works out to the good. I don't believe in an all powerful deity, so in times like these, I like to turn to music..., so I have selected a few tracks that I think are appropriate, and are just for him....

Well here we go..., yes this is just the way i'm feeling....

To Tyler's family..., and I really hope this is true..., Don't worry baby..., everything's gonna turn out all right...

God only knows..., what any of us will do with you...

And I'm waiting now, to hear any news..., hopefully of a speedy recovery.

Courage and Honour Tyler..., come back to us soon buddy.

Romancing the Mercenary....

2010-01-07T20:11:00.000+13:00

So I thought I would share something, pretty special, with you guys today. You see the other day, I got a really nice "Christmas Present" from a pretty special guy. And I have to say, when I opened the email, it kinda blew me away..., no one has done something, that nice for me, in so long. To be fair..., I had, until then, kinda forgotten what that felt like. So without more pointless ramble..., here it is...

All the way from Dean, in Chicago. You see Dean must have picked up the fact that I was really wishing for a "White Christmas"..., and sent me that. It really was so very sweet..., hardly surprising really..., he is a really sweet guy..., and very cute too. I linked his blog, to the his name there, so if you haven't already..., go and check him out.

Back to work tomorrow.., gonna be tons of fun..., well probably not...., we'll see.

Pirates of the Caribbean....

2010-01-06T16:45:00.001+13:00

I've got only one full day of my leave left..., after this one that is. Problem is, other than my trip away, I have gotten absolutely nothing accomplished. Not that that is a big thing..., I just kinda feel a bit lazy about the whole thing. I really should have done some more writing, but I just haven't gotten around to it.

Oh yes, you remember that I said I was doing some writing..., well yeah, I am attempting to write a novel. I even publish it on wordpress. It is very much a work in progress, but it seems to be getting some good reviews...., so if you are interested, check it out, and if you like it then leave a comment....

"The Twins and the Sailor" By Octavius (Account is actually BigCT, but it is still me.)

Quite a few of you know already, so it will come to no surprise for you, but I figure I don't want to hide the fact anymore.

To be fair, I really don't want my leave to end..., but then I never do. I guess I wouldn't be alone in feeling this way..., huh? I left a comment on Torchy's blog the other day..., and said something like....

"Work is the one true obstacle to your real life."

How true is that..., man I wish I could just win the lottery..., as they say...

"You will never get ahead working to make someone else money."

It would be great to be my own boss, setting my own schedule..., paying myself what I deserve. I have many business plans that I could throw into action..., but the one I think I like the most, is my fishing tour idea. Now personally I can't stand seafood, though I do enjoy fishing (Weird huh?). You see we have here a very beautiful place called the Marlborough Sounds...

Pretty cool huh? So back to the point..., "Fishing Tours". Yup, I can just see myself doing this. Skipper of a nice boat..., sailing around the sounds, not a care in the world, just soaking up the sun. Something like this, would be ideal...

I figure, if you take groups of four to five, at about $150-$200 a head, that should cover fuel, bait, and food for about a four day trip. I don't really know..., would have to do some sums, but then it is all academic, unless I actually manage to pull it off. But it would be cool.

Hmmm..., a little too philosophical today. Maybe I'll just go and buy some booze to get totally plastered! After all there is nothing wrong with having a "Wine and Cheese" evening..., all by myself..., in my room..., is there? Well ok maybe not, but the idea is appealing...., maybe too appealing.

IDK..., seems there is just too much "Drama" around these days. Everyone seems to be falling over each other to be nice to certain people, when they really should just let them go..., if that is what they truely want...., which I actually don't think it is. Personally I think the biggest one at the moment, is just a want for attention..., but that's just me. Don't get me wrong..., i'm not bagging on anyone, I just can't be bothered with the whole thing.

Maybe you can never get away from "Drama", there always seems to be something happening somewhere, that pulls you into a shitstorm. IDK, why can't we all just relax, and chillout. Nothing in life is really that bad, that it can't be fixed..., well that's my theory anyway.

On another note, I have decided to do something. I have talked about it with my Stepmum, and she is all good with the idea, so I think I am going to do it. I have been thinking about doing something for my little brother. To be fair, I have been wracking my brain, for several years to come up with something good, and now I think I have it. I am going to get a Tattoo done on the underneath of my forearm. I am not quite sure yet, just what I am going to put there, but I know that it will happen..., I personally believe that that is the best place for it, and him..., so that he will always be under my arm..., know what I mean?

I'll take a pic, when it is done..., won't be for a while yet though, so don't get your hopes up. I am gonna tie it in with his birthday...., July 7th 1993. That just kinda makes sense to me..., in a fitting kind of way. You know if you do the math, that would make him about 16 and a half. Maybe that's why I seem to connect with the younger bloggers..., almost certainly, I think, why I enjoy chatting to them. Maybe I am still looking for something there..., I don't know...

Anyway that's it for today..., I'm getting a little weepy..., he is usually the only one that can do that to me...

I'll be home for Christmas...

2010-01-04T05:23:00.001+13:00

Well have been home for a few hours now..., man I really have to go to the store! I have nothing in the cupboards, or the fridge..., I kinda feel a little like "Old Mother Hubbard"..., it's not a pleasant feeling.

Had a pretty good trip really, I always enjoy going home. Whoever it was that said "You can never go home again", obviously didn't have a home like mine. I mean forgetting about the "Creature Comforts" that home provides, I also have never felt, more loved, more comfortable, or more safe..., than when I am home.

What really makes me sad, is that so many of us, just don't have that..., and I am not even talking just about the LGBT community here either. There are so many people out there, that will never truely feel the love, and comfort of a good family home. So for those of you out there, or just the ones that are interested..., I would like to share my family home with you....

A few sneaky pics I took...., just for you guys. It's an average sized three bedroom affair. Pretty standard, where I come from. But it's home..., complete with spa pool!

The next set of pics, is just for Daniel from "Up and About"..., because I know how much he gets off on trains! This is my 12yr old cousins new toy...

Funny thing really..., because his name is Daniel as well...., what are the odds of that? This little bad boy, is a fully working model of a steam train..., if you look closely, you can even see the whole boiler workings. Pretty cool for a midget..., I really quite like my little cousin..., in fact he would have to be one of my favourites.

Took my stepmum to see Avatar today..., to be honest, I am in two minds over this film. Yes it was well done, yest the story line was reminiscent of "The Battle of the Little Bighorn"..., but to be fair, was a little less than I was expecting. I guess I read to many reviews from you guys...., I kinda feel a little let down. Still had a great lunch, and then an even better shopping experience with the stepmother..., I love shopping with her.

Anyways..., ramble over...., back to work in four days..., whatever shall I get up to?

Ghost Rider....

2010-01-03T02:35:00.001+13:00

What the hell has been going on in the blogsphere? I go away for a few days, and people all over are having meltdowns. I mean that there isn't a great deal I can do..., being stuck out here, all alone I might add..., in the middle of the south pacific..., but still WTF!!!???

I'm still not home yet..., I am at the parents house, and I am typing this on Moses' own PC..., honestly this thing is so fucking slow!! It took me 5 minutes to bring up two other blogs..., and this thing is supposed to have a broadband connection...., maybe it was one that was lead two by two on to the Ark????

So anyways, New Years was good, though the weather turned to shit, so we never made it too the beach. I may drop in on my way home, just to see if there is anything worth taking a pic of.

See you when I get home..., and for FUCKS SAKE CHEER UP!!!!

Music Post - To acompany the pics...

2009-12-30T17:07:00.000+13:00

Picture post - Something to tide you over...

2009-12-30T16:53:00.000+13:00

I'm going off the reservation for a days..., so I thought I would leave you with a few tasty boys..., as kind of a parting gift..., there is a theme in there, lets see if you can figure it out, and where I may be... HA HA HA!!

Trapped....

2009-12-30T16:37:00.000+13:00

You ever get that feeling..., you know the one..., that you are trapped? I do.

Let me explain what I mean..., well, I'm a fairly quiet guy..., most of the time. I prefer to just "Lone Wolf" it, on occasions. I never did really play that well with others..., this is kinda a continuation of my last post.

Why do I feel "Trapped"..., well sometimes, I just want to be left alone, to sort my own shit out..., or even just to enjoy my own company. In the most blatant example I can think of..., just look at my MSN..., how often do you see me available these days? Most of the time I am running silent, in stealth mode, because other wise, I tend to get ambushed.

Don't get me wrong, the people I have as contacts I really enjoy talking too, I value their counsel, and thoroughly enjoy what they have to say...., but sometimes it gets a bit much. Sometimes I just have to be on my own. I really don't want to sound mean here, but there is just no way of putting it nicely. This isn't aimed at any one in particular..., and I should be happy that i seem so popular..., I would just like you all to know how I feel.

Like I said, I do enjoy the company of others, but I can not be there, for everyone all the time, nor should anyone expect me, or anyone else to be. We all need our private time. I guess I just feel pressured sometimes, when someone wants to talk, I feel honour bound, to reply..., I guess that's just who I am. I mean, I don't want to be rude..., if I ever need you guys, I don't want to be the one, who loses out because I was a prick the other day, or whenever.

It's just that sometimes, I may be busy, I may be in a shitty mood, I may just not feel like talking. So if I don't get back to you right away..., or I am not always available, then now you know why. I'm not being mean, or even ignoring you..., I just want to be alone sometimes. I know I am not the only one like this....

This isn't just about MSN either..., I am exactly the same in real life..., I have always preferred solitude, over large gatherings. That's not to say that I don't enjoy getting out there and having fun, I just sometimes need time to reflect, time to kick back and chillax..., contemplating my navel! That's why I love my friends so much..., my really close ones. You see they all know this, and know that if I don't respond, then I am in this "Mood" for want of a better term. They just step back and wait for me to reopen the lines of communication.

I truelly love them for this, because I know that they are there when I need them..., having said that though, I have never turned down a friend in need. If the message or phone call I get is one of need, then I am all the way there. I stop caring about me, it's all about them until the crisis is over, then I need to get back to my own shit.

I have been thinking about his a lot lately. There have been a few occasions lately, where I have tried to explain this to others. Whether they have listened, or will even read this, I have no idea. But in the end, what they do has, and always will be, up to them. I just felt like spelling it out, in a little more detail..., maybe in the end, it gives you all a little more insight.

Friendship....

2009-12-27T17:27:00.001+13:00

The last week has brought, in stark relief, what this word means to me. I have never been one for large social groups..., it's not that I don't fit in, I do..., but not in any normal way. A man like me, is far more comfortable, in small tight groups..., or even with just one other, even alone..., is that sad? Hmmm..., perhaps I should explain that...

In my life, I have never really, been able to settle..., or even yet to be settled, into any particular circle. In fact, to be fair, I have always considered myself to be a "Circle Jumper". Sounds like a kinda cool title huh? Well not really, what this means is that I have always been part of, but apart from, any circle that I come into contact with. It has left me lonely, in that although I am known by several hundreds of people, I am in fact not fully known by many.

Having said that I do have some very special people in my life..., two in fact. Both of which I would die for, and they likewise. If I am feeling down I can pick up the phone and know they will be there for me...., and always I feel better for doing so. Also at the same time when I am happy, they are there to share it...., they never argue, they never gripe, they are just there, and I am there for them in the same way. I can't tell you the amount of times I have sat and listened, as they both have spilled all their troubles out to me.

So..., getting back to the point, "What is friendship"? Well..., to me it is simple..., unconditional love.

"Unconditional"..., good word that, let me go a little deeper...

So my two best friends..., if I ever found myself destitute, no money, nowhere to live, on the bones of my arse..., I know for a fact, the first thing out of their mouths would be..., "What do you need?" This to me is the whole unconditional thing. They would never ask for anything in return..., they love and care for me, and I them. That is true friendship.

In life, we will have many relationships, some good, some bad, and some indifferent..., but in the end..., and what we are all striving for I think..., is six people that will will not shrink away from the burden..., if you know what I mean?

So this is Christmas..., and what have you done?

2009-12-25T18:52:00.002+13:00

The day has arrived..., Santa is home..., for some well deserved rest.., the reindeer are fed and watered..., having been ridden hard!

Well..., ok..., maybe not that hard...

What a day!! Well for me it is almost over, but for most of you that follow, or just lurk, it is probably not yet started...., I guess, being your future is a kind of cool feeling HA HA!

I do have some very interesting friends..., this below was one of my presents...

Yes that is a soft toy..., and yes it is a squid..., I have no idea why..., but to be honest,I really do quite like it. Weird huh?

Well..., what can I say..., gifts were well recieved, form all angles. Food was wonderful, adn the company was pretty decent as well.

So here it is..., to all of you who follow, and to those that just lurk as well....,

I wish you a very MERRY CHRISTMAS! And all the best for the New Year!

Roll on 2010!

Music Post - Thinking of him...

2009-12-20T02:17:00.000+13:00

Gotta lighten the mood....

2009-12-20T01:16:00.000+13:00

Was a little wet here today, but still pretty warm. Just perfect "Get you r clothes off weather"....

Now I have a machine gun..., Ho Ho Ho!

2009-12-19T23:12:00.004+13:00

So you remember way back when..., well..., ok, so last Monday. I said I spent some time with my family over the last weekend..., well you remember why? I tell you, when you put someone in the ground..., it really brings death into stark relief. I know that, deep down, we should see funerals as a celebration of the life in question..., but I really just can't do that. In fact..., to be honest, I find the situation rather laughable.

That sounds bad I know..., but personally, I would much rather not have lost the person in the first place..., I hate good byes...

So now I am going to talk about the one that I really find most distressing. To be fair, I rarely talk about it, but I think about him constantly. First though I should tell you a little something of my family...

Dad: Dad drives a truck for a living, is into restoring vintage tractors, loves country music and the beatles. He's a big guy, always has been..., not fat (though I admit he is getting that way in his old age!), just big, tall and strong..., I guess I have never lost that feeling of him since I was a kid. I love my father greatly..., he has always been there for me, and really is a great dad. Even after I came out to him. In fact to be honest, I think our relationship is better now than it ever was. It really is truly liberating (well it was for me anyway!), to be myself around him.

My Stepmother: Truly the greatest woman in my life. She works in education, though she has little of it..., and is probably one of the smartest people I know. She is also a far left wing, unionest..., something that causes some very interesting conversations (read arguements) around the dinner table! I love her dearly, she is more of a mother to me than my actual mum. She took me in when she didn't have to and has loved me dearly and unconditionally ever since. She was the first "Adult" I came out to.

My Mum: I love her, and she is also a very strong, independent and intelligent woman. Things is though, I have always just felt like an obstacle in her life. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do.

My Stepdad: Don't really know him to be honest, but he seems like a decent enough chap.

My Brother (And family): My brother and I really haven't ever gotten along..., well ok, maybe when we were really small for a couple of years. My brother and I are 4 years apart, and that rift grew considerably when he hit puberty, effectively leaving me behind. I do care for him, and I am pretty sure he cares for me, but as I said, we don't really get along..., we are just too different. My brother lives in Sydney Australia, with his Australian wife, and very cute baby daughter. I have only met his wife twice, and have only seen my niece in photos. Still they look happy and I wish them all the best.

My Step Sister: She and I get along well, though I first met her at 15, when I was 13. She is in between me and my brother. I love her a great deal, but she has some very interesting (Read selfish and obnoxious) views on life. She also has a daughter, and I always laugh at how so alike the two are.

I also have two stepbrothers, that I have never met, and to be honest, I have no idea what they are like. So I can't really say much about them here.

As the core family unit..., my dad, my stepmum (who I call Mum), my brother, my stepsister, and I are pretty tight, when it all comes down to it. Everyone else, is kinda on the fringe. When I think of home, I think of dad, and my stepmum..., very telling in my opinion.

So anyways, getting back to main point..., there is one other...., my baby brother, who I have only met in my dreams. He was the son, of my dad and my stepmum, and he was never supposed to happen. I don't mean that in a nasty way..., my stepmum had had to have her bits taken out (A legacy afforded her by her bastard of a first husband..., eventually I will do him as much harm, as he did to her!), and was supposed to not be able to have kids.

That didn't stop my little bro though..., he managed to attach himself to her stomach, and had gotten almost the whole way. He was 5 months when they found him..., and it came down to him or her..., they chose her. When they operated they did try to save him, but he was just too little..., he only lasted about 20 minutes..., but he fought..., by Christ did he fight..., his little heart just wasn't strong enough.

I have never forgiven the divine powers for allowing this to happen..., my stepmum always wanted kids, was desperate for them in fact. This was the ultimate in teases..., I hate the "Supposedly" Divine for that. He took that something with so much potential from all of us...., and I don't think he even cares what he has done to us...., poor little guy never even got a chance.

My little bro would have been 16 this year..., just old enough to be interesting. I often wonder what he would have made of himself. What he would be doing. Would he be sporty and smart like me, sporty and charming like my brother, extroverted and way out there like my stepsis? Probably just like my dad...., with a little hint of my stepmum..., that would have been a sight to see. I miss him deeply..., especially at this time of year.

Christmas, is my favourite time of the year..., I get that from dad..., it is the only time of the year, that I get to see him like a little kid again..., I really love that. I know that my little bro would be just the same..., I really would have liked to have had the chance to know him damnit! I so much want him in my life...

I miss you little bro..., as always..., all I have is yours, I will see you soon...

“Weird quiet guy in the corner”…

2009-12-14T20:36:00.001+13:00

So…, it’s been a while huh? First off I guess I should mention that, all is relatively fine in my world. Back is still a little tender, but I can live with it. Job still sucks, and I can’t get anyone to swap any days over Christmas…, yeah great team spirit huh?

Speaking of team spirit…, gotta love the watch words for the company INTEGRITY, HONESTLY, LOYALTY. Well…, on that note, my team had their Christmas dinner tonite. First, it was set at a time that not all could attend, second the team leader didn’t manage to organise cover, third the National Call Centre Manager said that she didn’t have the authority to close the help desk early. So no loyalty there then, no honesty either, and integrity…, well, I guess it just goes to show, how they really value their staff. Once again the day crew gets the party, and the night crew gets the shaft.

Without lube I might add!!!

So anyways…, spent some time with the family, over the weekend. I went home to finally lay my grandmother to rest. It’s been a year, since the funeral and cremation. Was a lovely day, weather wise, as we put her into the ground. Just the family, and some of her very close friends.

Afterwards we went to the uncle’s hobby block, for a good ole get together. I tell you my family doesn’t do things by halves…, there was three BBQ’s running for the most of the day, as stragglers came and went. Plenty of good food and drink. The young boys even had their train running. They have a small scale replica steam train, that fully operational, runs around a track laid across the property.

Well…, by now I am sure, you are wondering about the post title. Let me give you a little backstory… When I was very little, my dad moved us away…, not sure why, but he needed to be away from family for a while. So for the first ten years of my life, we were very isolated. Hence I have none of the shared experiences that the rest of my cousins do. Add to that, that I am on the fenceline as to ages go, My next youngest cousins are all under 18, and my next oldest are all over 40. So as you can see, at 31, I am smack bang in the middle.

This makes it very difficult to connect to anyone really, hence I end up being the “Weird quiet guy in the corner”. I just can’t seem to feel the same way about them, that they feel about me. At these gatherings I tend to drop my usual, happy carefree persona, and come across all shy and introspective. Though I must admit that my family are not ones to let that stop them. In fact I even had a couple of really good conversations.

It seems that my secret life, or at least what I thought that they didn’t know, is not so secret after all. I mean shit…, since I came out, and even before that, I never really kept it hidden, But on the same token I never advertised it either. So I can remember saying the phrase “Jesus! Does everyone know?” several times. It was however gratifying to watch them take it in their stride. To be honest, none of them cared really.

I guess in that way I am really lucky.

Tis the season to deck my balls....

2009-12-07T03:26:00.002+13:00

Wow it has almost been a week..., guess I really have been....

Sorry about the title, I find it amusing in my odd mood at the moment. Plus I hope you liked my intro track to this post...., gotta love the classics.

So anyways, the reports of my untimely death, from the knitting needles of old ladies in disguise, have been greatly over exaggerated it seems. Yes I am not dead!

I really am just so tired, this days brings me halfway on my mammoth nine day stretch, and to top it off I have thrown my back out! So not only have I already worked five days, I have inscrutiating pain..., and another four days to look forward to. Don't grow up kids..., being an adult sucks arse..., and in no way that is even remotely pleasant.

Still there is one thing to look forward to, and this brings me back to that wholly..., or is it holy..., hmm perhaps holly..., inspired, yet totally inappropriate post title. CHRISTMAS! I love Christmas, it is my most favourite time of year. Still sometimes I wish it would snow..., I really would like a white Christmas just once. Still I guess I can't complain, with my balmy sunny weather, and tidy yet scantily clad boys running around.

YAY ME!!

Well back soon..., have fun peoples.

Well hey there sailor..., going my way?

2009-11-30T21:24:00.000+13:00

I don't know why i am using that title, it just seems to fit my mood somehow..., adventurous. I don't know...

Would be nice though. I mean who doesn't want to be swept off of their feet by a handsome sailor?

On Sunday I took the top off of my jeep and blasted it on the highway..., was a truly fantastic feeling. Now I know why people buy convertibles! To be honest though, it was a bit of a mission to get the fucker off. Took me over an hour! Whoever designed that needs a severe kicking!! Funny thing was it only took about twenty minutes to get it back on. All in all, was worth it.

(Not mine..., forgot to take a pic, but it looks just like this one.)

So anyways, we are on day three, and it really has been a fantastic break. I have gotten so much accomplished. I finally caught up with all my laundry, have written several chapters to my book, changed the oil and filter in the jeep.

Actually that all sounds kinda boring..., but really it's not. Being the homebody I am, I actually rather enjoy it. Plus the weather is shit, and to prove it, here is a pic I just took from my front porch...

As you can see there is cloud where the hills should be! WTF?! It is supposed to be closing in on summer. I am beginning to really dislike this town, honestly the weather is shit!

Ok so here is a giant

Thank You

To both Dave and Just for showing me the love, on their blogs. Really guys you are too kind, but I appreciate it. Also Dan from Goleftatthefork, is having a little work done later in the week..., hopefully he doesn't have an 'Awake' moment. Seriously though, my thoughts are with you mate., and I hope everything goes well.

Well that is it for today, sleep well Wesley, i'll probably kill you in the morning.

PS: If anyone can tell me where that is from, I will be greatly impressed, and you may just get a cookie out of it.

The Gods of Gentleman...

2009-11-28T19:00:00.000+13:00

Well what can I say, my faith may have been shaken, but I never lost it. Once again my team proves their worth. After a shaky start they come back and beat a relatively decent team. Check HERE for the match stats. In case you have no idea what I am on about, I am talking CRICKET, click the link for those of you who don't know the game.

Ross Taylor, 94 in the first innings, and 59 in the second. Top notch batsman!

At the moment we are hosting Pakistan, and are now leading the three test series 1-0. It is a fantastic feeling to be winning again. The next test is slated to be played in my own town, though I am not going to it, I am going to go and watch the Australian test at the Basin in March though! Leave has been taken, approved and set, now I just have to buy the tickets.

This man is a god, and it is so good to have him back in the test line up!

Shane Bond, former cop, super bowler.

And who says that there is no fire in Cricket??

Chris Martin after taking a wicket.

I am still on a high over this great 32 run victory that almost went the full five days. I truly love test cricket.

--------------------------------------------

Okay! So in other news..., I am having another four day weekend. I will have to pay for it though, as I will bedoing nine days straight before the next one, but it is so worth it. Four days..., yay me!

So this first day, well I have washed the Jeep, done all my laundry, and watched the last of the test. It's been a great day. I'll let you know if I get up to anything interesting over the next couple of days!!

It also seems that my 100th post has been and gone, and I barely noticed it. Oh well no one else has mentioned it, so I guess it is a non issue..., onwards and upwards!

Picture Post - Fun in the summer sun...

2009-11-25T11:59:00.000+13:00

I know some of you only come here for the tasty boys I throw up occasionally, so this post is you..., ah summer...

I was runningd....

2009-11-25T11:46:00.002+13:00

What form..., where too, why?

Honestly who the fuck knows..., probably myself. We are all running to certain extent. Some of us a run to clear the air, while some run to hide. Me? I still have no idea, but I am running baby! So much so that I have pulled a groin muscle..., and not in any way that is fun I can assure you!! FUCK IT HURTS!

Where was I going with this?

Who knows..., anyways, just thought I would give a shout out to a couple of new blogs I have found...

Adam, from Anonymous life, of a Gay Sydney Boy ... He is Australian but don't hold that against him.

Mikey, from A gay hockey kids life ... A young athlete type fella, interesting guy really.

And...

Ryan O, From One Fine Gay .. Another Brit, but apparently he has been around before.

Both are pretty decent writers, if a little verbose at times. Go check them out, if you haven't already.

So I am lying here in bed, in total agony I might add. It even hurts to..., ah..., manipulate things, yes that will do. I don't know why running up and down stairs would do this to me, but it has. Fuck you world, you aren't going to beat me that easily!

So pretty soon I have to get up and go and part with more free cash for the government..., fuckers! Why do I have to register my car anyway, like it bloody matters! It's all just a giant have, just one more way for the greedy politicians to fleece even more cash out of the unsuspecting public.

Putting it another way..., "I work, so the government doesn't have to!"

But lets face it, I am going to pay it, because I don't want to have to pay the $400 fine if I get caught without one. Honestly that's just false economy, avoid $140 now, to pay $400 later..., yeah right!

Ha! Sounds like a Tui ad.

AJ's survey...

2009-11-22T17:39:00.001+13:00

Well..., since everyone else seems to be doing it..., why not...

1. Name? (screen name is fine)

Octavius

2. Are you a boy or girl?

Boy

3. How old are you?
31

4. Are you straight, gay, bi or unsure

Gay

5. Whats your favorite color?

Baby Blue

6. Whats your favorite food?

Bangers n' mash

7. If you could choose only one type of food for the rest of you life, what type would it be? (ex. Italian, chinese, french, etc.)

Old school english fare

8. How tall are you?

6' 2"

9. Hair colour?

Chocolate Brown

10. Whats your favorite movie?

Of all time?

Probably..., Gladiator, but it depends greatly on my mood.

11. Favorite book?

Chickenhawk By Robert mason

12. Favorite tv show?

Of all time would have to be Third Watch. At the moment, I have no idea, as I don't watch television.

13. What are your hobbies?

Model wargaming, PC games, reading, Air Soft, to name a few...

14. What is the #1 thing that grosses you out?

The sight of my own blood.

15. Are you a virgin?

Nope, haven't been for many a moon.

16. If no, how far have you gone? (list both with boys and girls)

All the way baby..., with boys and girls..., but mostly boys ;)

17. Are you athletic? What sports?

I was, and am trying to be again..., I really want to get back into cricket.

18. For guys: How big are you? (you know what I mean... lol) Are you cut or uncut?

Embarrassing!!!!! Though to be honest I am disappointingly average, and uncut.

19. For girls: Whats your bra size?

n/a

20. Are you happy with your size?

No, but I live with it.

21. Do you like, tolerate or get disgusted when you see an attractive person of the opposite sex?

Can take it or leave it. I have no desire if that is what you mean?

22. What do you want to do with your life?

Get the fuck out of dodge with my dignity and sanity intact

23. Do you masturbate? how many times a day?

As often as I can, though as I get older less and less..., my libido is a constant disappointment to me.

24. Do you have a "special" toy? (again you all know what I mean... lol)

Indeed yes..., I have several...., wait you mean sex toy don't you..., maybe?

25. Have you ever broken a bone or had another serious injury or sickness? Explain.

Ok so here is the low down, I broke my leg badly as a kid and it all went down hill from there. In my life I have been stabbed twice, bottled three times, shot once, I had a pine cone explode on me like a claymore tearing up my legs, I severely dislocated my knee, I took a metal bar to face and had to have several teeth replaced and/or capped, I think that is about it....

26. What do you think is your most attractive feature?

My eyes..., an odd kind of green, and very piercing.

27. What do you think is your least attractive feature?

I could say my scars..., but I am leaning towards my personality.

28. If there is one thing in your life you could change, what would that be?

Working on that at the moment

29. Are you in a relationship? explain a little (boy, girl, short term, long term, etc)

Aside from some destructive crushs..., nope

30. When was the last time you got some sexual action? (of any type)

As soon as I finish this....

31. Mac or PC?

PC

32. Iphone, Blackberry, other PDA, or regular cell phone?

Just a normal cell..., why, isn't that enough?

33. Do you have any pets? Which ones?

None at the moment, though I am thinking of getting a dog.

34. For gay and bi guys: Are you a top or bottom?

Have, and will continue, to do both...., but I prefer bottom.

35. Whats the one thing in your life you are most proud of?

Making it this far.

36. Where is the weirdest place you masturbated or had sex?

Let's see..., that would be a toss up between, sex on the frontlawn in front of the whole world, and a very interested little old lady..., and up a tree while on an exercise for cadets.

37. Most number of times you came in a day?

About 8 I think..., that was a good day.

38. What are you most afraid of?

Dying alone.

39. Favorite porn star?

Brent Corrigan.

40. Do you have a blog? What is it?

Yeah sure..., this one.

All the world needs now...

2009-11-21T01:23:00.001+13:00

Well this is all "a fine to do" then, isn't it? So I was just reading a fantastic blog that I really enjoy "FOR YOUR SAKE" go and check it out..., hmmm see what I did there. I know..., sometimes I even amaze myself, haha! So anyways, like I said I have been reading this blog for some time, and I came to the conclusion that that boy just really needs to get laid. Sorry FMS, but it had to be said. I was even going to post a comment to that effect..., something along the lines off -

"Dude..., really? I think to be honest you just need to get laid..., even if all else fails you end up paying for it."

- and then I came to my senses. Honestly is this all we really need? I can't honestly say that it is.

In fact I was having a rather "deep and meaningful", with my hetero life partner (Best Friend) the other day, and I had to admit to not only him, but also myself that I crave something far more simple. Hey don't get me wrong..., if the opurtunity arose, I would take it full force. I know what you are thinking and your dirty mind would be right on the money there. Anyway back to the point...

This is what I am missing. Sex is good don't get wrong, but being able to be this close to someone, is just so much better. I can remember several guys that I have woken up to, guys that have been freaky and passionate the night before, until we fell asleep in each others arms. Then in the morning, they are just so cute, like a lost puppy as I watched them come out of the sleep that only the loved can sleep. Their eyes kinda puffy, and watery, the smile that greets me each time. Heaven..., fuck angels and harps and fluffy clouds..., heaven is the sight of your boy as he wakes to the world and realises that the first sight he sees is you..., and smiles.

Those of you out there that have this, cherish it..., kill to protect it, because it is so rare and beautiful. Unfortunately though, what most of us have to look forward to is something more like...

Shattered and alone..., always left wondering what went wrong..., is it me..., was it him? Why has all that was good in this world forsaken me? Why am I so unlovable......., why am I so..., broken?

I have to admit, this is where I am at the moment as well. It is a kinda self-imposed exile on my part, as I am far too fucked up for a relationship at the moment anyways. It still hurts sometimes, and I often find myself wishing that I could cry...., sometimes all you need is a really good cry, I just can't. To be honest that makes me even more sad, but there is nothing I can do about it.

Fuck I need a drink right now! But I can't do that either, because like the hulk when he is angry..., you really wouldn't like me when I am pissed.

Music Post - Just Coz..., OK?!

2009-11-19T23:57:00.000+13:00

Ok fooled you...., but seriously....

All Kiwi music by the way..., well the serious ones were.

Blowing giant monkey balls....

2009-11-19T23:33:00.000+13:00

Yeah I know not posting, yada, yada, yada..., what can I say, there just isn't enough hours in the day. So to the title, well once again it is reference to work. Work still sucks, and I am really losing interest in it. I was looking out of the window all day today..., beautiful sun, no wind, hot, and all I wanted to do, was go to the beach! Not that we have any good ones around here anyway..., god I miss the east coast!!!

So what else...., well to be honest nothing really, just work, work and more work. Well I guess there is one thing..., I have been doing a bit of writing lately, you never know, maybe one day you will find it. Whether or not you enjoy it or not, is an entirely different matter. I am still doing the healthy eating thing, and the stairs, it gets easier everyday. I have also decided to start using the gym at work..., I mean, why not? It's free!

Got the next months roster, and Jesus have they fucked it up! It's all crap, and the rotation I have been working for the last few months was just changed on us. What a pack of pricks, and that is saying it nicely! So anyways, I discovered today that I will be working almost everyday over the Christmas period..., except Christmas day of course. I hate working Christmas, as it is my most favourite time of the year. I have do have a week off over new years, but it is just no the same damn it!

Everything is going Pete Tong, and fucked into a cocked hat!!!!

Time for some music.....

I must pay more attention...

2009-11-16T11:14:00.000+13:00

Well the days have just slipped by again! Like I said in the, I really must pay more attention.Was a pretty quiet weekend, as I only had the Sunday off. still was pretty decent. Spent most of it at home alone, but don't worry, I think I needed to. I had a few invites to go out and do stuff, but as I only had the one day, and plenty to do I declined.

Of course that plenty to do was really boring stuff, like laundry, but still necessary. I did go out shopping though. Bought a nice new shirt and some jeans. I haven't owned a pair of jeans in years, no idea why...., am usually a cargo pants or shorts guy. Still they are well comfortable, and will wear in nicely.

When I got home I got a call from a mate who lives in Auckland. He is probably my best mate, and I miss him dearly. He is also probably the only guy that can calm me down. Honestly we have been through so much together, we even know what each other is thinking half the time. I am still very tempted to move up there to be closer to him. If he was gay he would be the perfect partner. Unfortunately he is straighter than the most straight thing you can find! That really sucke I can tell you.

So anyways, he has just left his missus, and has moved into his new place, an apartment apparently. He even says that he has bought a fold out couch, so I have a bed when I visit, now that is love in my opinion.I do love him I think, but there will never be anything there sexually. I had accepted that a long time ago, so now we are just really good friends. Am going to go up and see him in the new year, so that should be fun.

There was no fallout over the little incident the other day. Well none that came my way, that is! Anyways off to work now. Sorry for the boring post, just filling you in as to what has been going on with me lately.

Hey what the....

2009-11-12T03:48:00.002+13:00

Well the fuck has the time gone? My last post was on the 7th! Sorry lads, seems like this week is just flying by. Not much new to report, just slogging my guts out for a company that doesn't appreciate me. Take this evening for example, I got a call from a small pub near the office, that their terminal was not working. I do everything I can over the phone to get it working again, but either the guy on the other end is completely inept, or the thing really is broken. So I assign the fault to an engineer to fix in the morning, as they are only oncall until 1900.

Now here is the really crappy part, the site is now what we term "Office Down" meaning they can't sell. To make matters worse, one of the GM's is there having a few bevies and some bets. Well the site is down, so no bets. He is quite shitty about this. He calls us at the helpdesk, demanding this that and the other, I explain to him twice that we have done all that we can, and the engineer will sort it tomorrow. I just know that this is going to come back to bite me. His attitude towards the situation really sucks as well, probably just trying to look like a big man in front of his friends. This is what I think...

Because usually, given who we are, we are more like ...

So getting past that, I will deal with it tomorrow, I am still on this mad health kick, and I really am feeling great. I can now run up 4 flights of stairs. Sure I am breathing like a stalker at the top, but I can do it. I am not even using the lift anymore..., I 'm loving this! I am eating healthier as well. Salad sarnies and a banana for lunch.

What else is going on...., well it seems a lot of bloggers out there are a little depressed at this moment. Dan is stuck in crappy meetings in Chicago. Dzyan is all lonely, and FMS is looking for courage...., all we need now is a Dorothy and Toto, and we got us a remake!

Honestly boys I am there for all of you, I was just tryng to cheer you up there..., honest!

Before I go I have to offer my congratulations to Lonely Boy, and Cooper, for stepping outside his uncomfort zone, and finding out what life can really offer. You guys are going to find that real people, people that treat you the way you should be treated, really are worth the struggle to find them. Well done boys!

Also you guys should check out this fella, YACBISOLAI, he is a little long winded, but I think he needs some support at this point.

Not dead...

2009-11-07T00:37:00.000+13:00

...Just dead tired.

Thanks to everyone who has commented on my last few posts, I try to get back to you, I just don't seem to have the time at the moment. I read all the blogs I follow though I may not comment, so don't thionk I have abandoned any one.

I have been working so much lately, what with it being the spring carnival. Sometimes I really wonder why I keep on going with my job. Why can't I find a nice 9 to 5, monday to friday. Damnit I want my weekends back!! To make matters worse, we are now three staff down, and the night crew is getting punished for this, as they were the fillers that keep us from working so much.

Tuesday (Melbourne Cup Day) was interesting, though my fucking horse that held it's own, 2nd place, right up till the last 400m, didn't even place!! Ultra gutting! I had $2/$3 on it, so was keen for it to atleast place. Still all in all a good day, even with everyone, who doesn't have a punt any other day, calling in for tips. Once spring carnival is over I should have more time, and I am taking some leave..., YAY!

Something has changed, and I don't know what. I have started to become a lot happier, I am even not yelling at my phone as much as I used to.., WTF??? I am still losing weight like it is going out of fashion, and am even running up and down four flights of stairs four times a day for my nicotine fix. I would have never have dreamed of doing that a month ago.

Why am I so happy lately?

No I have not gotten laid! Mores the pitty...

Picture Post - Almost summer...

2009-11-03T04:00:00.000+13:00

Equilibrium restored....

2009-11-03T03:44:00.000+13:00

We are now back on an even keel and the board is green. I was a little overwhelmed by all the comments on my last post. I hold you all dearly, and I thank you. Even "Trouble", the little dutch boy, whether he realises it or not he has helped me considerably over the last few days.

At this juncture I feel I should explain myself. I am, as has been noted by "Just", that I am a "Straight Shooter". I say what I mean and I mean what I say, as it were... Ah ok then, it should also be noted that I vent a considerable amount of the time. This blog has seen little of it as yet, but I can foresee it getting a greater share. So if you want to hang around, then you have to know this.

My last post was not a cry for attention, though looking back on it, it certainly sounds like it..., even I could see that. I just had to get it out of my system, and I couldn't think of a better way to do that. So I apologise if I caused you any undue worry. Work is still getting me down, but I am working through it. We have a very busy day in a few hours, so I know that I am going to be wiped out later tonite. Still I might be able to get some much needed sleep.

Oh and by the way, this was not all brought about by what is going on with "Lonelyboy", it was just some serious bad coincidental timing. He really does need your support right now people, so get the fuck over there and prop him up some!

Well that is all for now. I am really tired, so I am gonna just lye here in the dark and try to get some sleep.

Even with seasoning, my foot still tastes horrible....

2009-11-01T02:04:00.000+13:00

What can I say, short of a very pleasant conversation earlier this evening with a nice young fella, my world is being sucked into a vortex of shit. I fucked something up last night, really quite badly, though I have no idea how I managed it. It is true what they say you know, stick to what you are good at. Here was me trying to be caring, gentle and sensitive, when in fact I came off as a prick apparently. I should have just stayed with what I actually am, then no one would have been disapointed.

I was a fool to think that I could help this person, because I really had nothing to offer. I suspect that I am just a ripple in his life, as opposed to something more substantial, I just hope that there will be no lasting effects.

I just don't know why I bother sometimes. I have met a lot of you through msn and the like, and I can honestly say that you have enriched my life. Having said that though you should be wary for whatever you give away you may never get back where it concerns me. I am at times like a leach that sucks all that is good out of this world.

I don't even know why I am telling you this!

I don't set out to hurt people..., I just do. I am a social "Fuck up"! and I really don't like myself right now.

Day Four..., and Back to Work...

2009-10-29T00:35:00.000+13:00

So day four, was a bit of a blur actually. I spent a good bit of it in bed, then got up for a shower, adn a spot of brekkie. I did go and get my haircut, though I am still, a day later, not that sure I am pleased with it. It is a little shorter than I usually go for, and the hairdresser was a prick, who couldn't follow simple instructions.

"I have been doing this for fourty years..., I know what I am doing!"

Can you believe that shit! Hang on pal, you haven't been cutting MY hair for fourty years so just do what you are fucking told. Like I said, still unsure. He was a new guy, I don't think I am going back to him!! Should have remembered this song....

I made the best cottage pie last night, I just love the simple stuff. Hearty, filling, and just incredibly good! I mean, meat veg, mashed potatoe, and grilled cheese..., how can you go wrong!?

Don't know why I didn't post yesterday, I guess it doesn't really matter much.

So anyways, back to work today. I can tell you now, that after four days it was such a drag!

I went in, made it just on time..., phew! I was determined to have a good time..., I didn't. I was determined not to lose my temper at the punters..., I did. My first call of the day took twenty minutes. It was a retail complaint, I really hate retail complaints..., so much paperwork. Still I got that out of the way, and proceeded to update the music that I shouldn't have on my work pc. Goodness I am such a rebel! I just mundane crap call, after mundane crap call..., fuck it sucked!

Still there is always tomorrow.

Home now, tucked up in bed with a V, and a box of oreos..., I just love oreos.

Day Three....

2009-10-27T02:51:00.000+13:00

Actually there is nothing much to report here. I spent most of the day in bed chillaxing. That was of course until I was absolutely forced to get up with a very insistent bladder!! While I was chillaxing I spent a considerable amount of time on the net, and I came across a band/group that is new to me. It's called Owl City, now I have to say that I really like their work, though I am at a loss as to the genre? Anyways, here is a few of my favourites...

I think it is covered under the term "Electro-Pop", but I am not sure.

My brekkie dinner was indeed fantastic, though I have vowed never to use Edmonds pre-mix again...

Honestly this is like the worst shit ever and is impossible to get the mix right. I will have to stop being so laxy in the future and do things properly.

So on the agenda tomorrow, is a shit ton of laundry that I have been putting off, and a haircut, that is also long overdue. Also thanks to everyone who has commented lately, I really appreciate it.

Day two...

2009-10-25T18:41:00.000+13:00

Hey there chaps, just a quickie.

I feel like a new man at the moment, and it is only day two of four! I am having a great time being by myself and not having to think about work. Yesterday I took the jeep out for a loooooong run. Was great, to a trip up to palmy to go to a store, which in the end turned out to be a wasted one. But all in all, was still pretty good, the weather has finally cleared adn it was wonderfully sunny and warm. On the way back stopped off at one of my favourite beaches on the west coast, Foxton Beach. There was some quite nice candy just laying around..., ha ha!

And today I had a long sleep in, then up for some brekkie of a good old kiwi standard...

And I am thinking about doing a "James' Grandpa" form "A rent boy named...", and having brekkie for dinner...

Wow! I guess I needed this time off more than I realised. Maybe I should apply for some leave and do it properly.

Just as side note, I have started reading the "Twinergy" story that I found on Rent Boy. It is actually pretty good, though the chapters are a little long. The writer has taken a few strange twists and turns, and has even gotten quite dark. I am only up to Chapter 7 so far, but it is certainly a compelling read.

Well I am gonna kick back on my bed for a while and read a few more chapters..., catchya later on.

Music Post - Dedication time...

2009-10-23T23:25:00.001+13:00

I think Fer is feeling a little down at the moment, so I have decided to tell him how I feel through the medium of song. So here it is buddy, you mean more to me than you could possible imagine, I hope you like the selections...

The Webs we Weave…

2009-10-23T23:10:00.000+13:00

Winston Churchill was once quoted as saying: “The truth is so precious that she should always be attended by a bodyguard of lies.”

How can that possibly be so, I mean I can see where he is coming from. At the time it was very “Lose Lips, Sinks Ships!” and all that. In today’s age of modern media and especially the news media, where politicians are caught being shot at by snipers and the like…, well, not so much. These days it is almost cliche to be caught in a lie.

I am sitting here at my desk, stewing.

Normally I am not effected in quite this way, but the day has dragged and I just want to get the fuck out of Dodge! You see I have a four day weekend on the horizon. I just can’t wait to get out of here. So anyways…, I am listening to all the people, punters and retailers alike, just spilling great gobs of shit out of their mouths, and I am fed up! They think I can’t see through that thin veneer. Computers don’t lie people! I can see that you haven't done something. I know when you can't be bothered, because I have been there, stole the t-shirt, and used it to wipe away the blood of my enemies.

What I see on my screen is the truth, and no amount of whining and conniving can convince me otherwise! Not to mention the fact that this conversation is recorded. So I have caught you in your lie, and can play it back later for my own amusement…, muahaha. I just don't really see the need to lie, you know? If you fucked something up, then tell me and lets get it sorted. Don't exaggerate either, it only makes matters worse, and pisses me off. Just admit it and every one will feel better.

I am at home now and have cooled off a little, thankfully. Now I really need this time away, so hopefully I can go back a little recharged. I have a nice little day trip planned for tomorrow. I am going to go home and do a little shopping in one of my favourite stores, so that should cheer me up.

For a little more flavour, here is a couple of extra quotes from the big man...

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."
Winston Churchill

"If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time - a tremendous whack."
Winston Churchill

Hope is the first step on the road to disappointment ....

2009-10-20T03:29:00.000+13:00

You remember a while back I mentioned that it was pretty much official, that we weren't getting a pay rise this year? All in all though, we were still pretty hopeful that it might happen, after all a lot of us were relying on it. Well hope died today, just after 1400. We were all handed the giant "FUCK YOU!!" letters. And if that wasn't bad enough, having just dashed our hopes, the fuckers had the gaul to say...,

"We look forward to your contributions for the upcoming year."

Honestly!? What the Fuck!!

Well that clinches it really, no more mister nice guy! I f you want to throw money around on useless and unimportant crap, and then say you do not have enough to give a lousy 4%, then Fuck You. You will no longer get anything extra out of me! The other two senior and I had a little mini conference, and we all agreed that the extra stuff we do, including training, is now over. We will see how appreciated we are after a few weeks of this. After all, though my department may not make any money for the company, what we do is keep a $750 million sales channel alive and ticking.

Anyway, enough of that! It is just making me an angry bear anyways.

So moving on, I wanted to say thanks, and that I appreciate all the comments on my last post. I was not sure how that would be received but once again the blogsphere has come through for me. Honestly, you guys are meaning more and more to me everyday.

I would also like to congratulate all those bloggers out there, that have taken their first steps into a much larger world. I want mention them here as most if not all of you know who they are anyway. Besides I am too tired, at the mo, to type all their names.For those of you to still take that leap, don't worry about, when it is the right time you will know. Do not feel pressured to do anything.

That's it for today, I am off to bed....

My "Dark Past".....

2009-10-18T03:55:00.001+13:00

I have mentioned this several times, and have been thinking about it a lot lately. To be honest, I have agonised over writing this out, as there are very few people who know the full truth. For the longest time I wanted and fought to keep it that way. I am not writing this to sound dangerous, cool or mean, like I said in an earlier post..., I will never lie to you.

You see, when I was younger, after I had just gotten out of the army, I was at a loss. The career, that I thought would take me to retirement, was stripped from me in a cruel twist of fate. I was quite angry at the time, and somewhat rebellious. As a consequence, I turned to drugs as a coping mechanism. Through a series of events, I became quite hooked, and moved on to some of the nastier stuff. I was only there for about a year, before my friends came to the rescue once more. I managed to keep that really quiet though, even my family knows nothing about that period of my life.

Towards the end of my dabbling with drugs, I amassed a moderate debt with some not very nice people. At the time I had little money, due to my habit, this turned out to be my downfall. My flat was visited by a very nasty fella, who threatened bodily harm if I did not pay. Problem was, it wasn't me who he threatened, it was my partner at the time. I do not take kindly to these kind of events, and dealt with it the only way I knew how, with violence.

I went to see my dealer, and calmly suggested that if that fella made any attempt to go through with his threats, that he would be wearing his balls as earrings as soon as I caught up with him. A little taken aback by this, he instead made me an offer, in order to pay off my debt. I was pretty much forced into doing things that I am not too proud of. Mostly debt collection, but there was some more "Legally Ambiguous" things in there as well. Think Chili Palmer, with a baseball bat.

Now debt collection, may not seem so bad to some people. But let me tell you, when it is for those that operate outside the law, there are few regulations to uphold. Lawful enterprise doesn't feature much here either. You see what would happen is this...., I would get a phone call (I was given a phone by my "Employers"), the conversation would be simply, a name, an address, and an amount. I would then pay a visit to said address. Most of the time things went peacefully, with a subtle chat, just like in the movies. Other times, well not so much, and then there were times that I would have to resort to things that were not pleasant.
I am sure I do not need to spell these things out to you.

Obviously the police never got involved. It is somewhat difficult to explain to cop that you were assaulted because you owed your dealer a lot of money. Like I said I am not proud of it. I paid my debt off quickly this way, and once clean and clear, I started to get paid for it. What can I tell you the money was very good. But I never really had the taste for it, and after only a few jobs I left. This was when I decided, to go to Uni. Let me tell you being a student does not pay well, so when that phone rang, I am sorry to say I answered it.

I am not a criminal, though I have skirted that knife edge on several occasions. I am no gangster either, I preferred to think of myself as a freelancer. Like I said, I am not proud of it. To be honest I don't like violence all that much, especially in this situation! Fear not though I have certainly turned my life around. So much so that a few years back I moved cities to get away from it.

I don't ever want to be that person again, I am to good for that.

65 Unusual questions...

2009-10-15T22:37:00.001+13:00

So over at JC's blog, he posted a list of questions. He also sent out an open invite to do the same, so I figured why not...,. I'll bite...

1. First thing you wash in the shower?
If I was to honest..., my penis.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
It's sort of a grey green.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Absolutely not!

4. Do you plan outfits every day?
I do, while I am in the shower.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
Sated, I have just finished dinner.

6. What’s the closest thing to you that's red?
The boxers I am wearing.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
The last dream I had was a vivid conversation with my best mate. The funny thing was that I knew it was him, even though he didn't have a face.

8. Did you meet anybody new today?
I work in a call centre, so technically I meet new people everyday.

9. What are you craving right now?
Mint choc chip ice cream.

10. Do you floss?
No, I prefer to brush my teeth, which I do several times a day.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Flying a kite!

12. Are you emotional?
Not that I know of, emotion tends to get in the way.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
Actually yes.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
I take my ice cream, with long slow strokes of my tongue.

15. Do you like your hair?
I do, though I seriously mistreat it.

16. Do you like yourself?
On the whole..., probably yes.

17. Would you go out to eat with George Bush?
Ah..., no! To be honest I don't really care for the man.

18. What are you listening to right now?
Porcupine Tree.

19. Are your parents strict?
Nope, I had a pretty easy run as long as I stayed under the radar.

20. Would you go sky diving?
All ready have done several times, though due to my bad knee, I doubt I will again.

21. Do you like cottage cheese?
One word..., YUCK!

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?
Several but probably none you guys would know.

23. Do you rent movies often?
Yes I do, I prefer to try before I buy.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?
Other than the god like luminescence that emanates from me? Yes.

25. How many countries have you visited?
Does the south island count?

26. Have you made a prank phone call?
Actually no, I have never really felt the need.

27. Ever been on a train?
Several, diesel, electric and steam..

28. Brown or white eggs?
As long as they taste good, does it really matter?

29. Do you have a cell-phone?
Yes.

30. Do you use chap stick?
No.

31. Do you own a gun?
Again..., several, though most of them are soft air guns.

32. Can you use chop sticks?
No, I have never been able to get the hang of them.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?
No one, I am as alone as the most alone thing on the planet.

34. Are you too forgiving?
I have been called many things..., but "Forgiving" is not one of them. With me you have just one chance, after that you are generally dead to me.

35. Ever been in love?
Twice, my first boyfriend, and my last boyfriend. The last one I miss terribly.

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?
Probably sleeping, as I think he has the day off.

37. Ever have cream puffs?
If you mean the dessert, yes.

38. Last time you cried?
At my grandmother's funeral in 2007.

39. What was the last question you asked?
Have you plugged it in? Having just asked, "Is it turned on?"

40. Favorite time of the year?
Summer, days off over Christmas, spending time with the family at the beach.

41. Do you have any tattoos?
No yet, I am still thinking about it.

42. Are you sarcastic?
Sometimes..., if the situation warrants it.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
Yes I have, I quite liked it to be honest.

44. Ever walked into a wall?
Probably, I did a lot of stupid shit when I was at Uni..

45. Favorite color?
Baby Blue.

46. Have you ever slapped someone?
Yes several times.

47. Is your hair curly?
Not really, but it does do this thing, where the back curls up.

48. What was the last CD you bought?
Does Limewire count as buying?

49. Do looks matter?
For that first spark of attraction..., yes. After that, there needs to be some kind of substance to the individual to hold my attention.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
Forgive...NO
Forget...NO
Claim Vengeance...? Most certainly!

51. Is your phone bill sky high?
Other than my cell, which is on a reasonable plan, I don't have a phone.

52. Do you like your life right now?
I guess I will have to say yes, as it is the only one I have.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?
Nope, but I do sleep with my PC on, as I use it as my stereo at night. I can't sleep i silence.

54. Can you handle the truth?
It depends greatly on the question.

55. Do you have good vision?
Unfortunately no. I have one eye that is long sighted and one that is short sighted. I have to wear glasses to bring balance.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
Only three? I tend to hold grudges, and I have been fucked over a lot in my life.

57. How often do you talk on the phone?
Is that a trick question?

58. The last person you held hands with?
To be honest it has been so long, I can't remember.

59. What are you wearing?
Short sleeve check shirt, cargo shorts, and the aforementioned boxers.

60.What is your favorite animal?
The wolf.

61. Where was your default picture taken at?
No idea, I found it while searching on google. It fits my mood so I keep it.

62. Can you hula hoop?
What am I, a six year old girl?

63. Do you have a job?
I am a technician, serving time on a technical helpdesk.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?
The aforementioned boxers.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Several times. Like I have often said, I have a dark past, and have done several things I am not proud of.

Well there you have it boys, just a few more things about me. Hope you enjoyed it, and feel free to do the same.

My "NEXT" Post...

2009-10-14T00:55:00.001+13:00

It seems a few of you were concerned about the title of the previous post. Well let me put your minds at rest..., that is if you were concerned. I am not leaving, I was just referring to the previous entry.

In fact, today I am feeling pretty good actually, I stopped past the store on the way home and bought some of these

I don't know about you, but I just love orange flavoured chocolate! By the way, I want to say thanks to JC, for thinking of me. JC, I am doing ok mate, really. I have been on a bit of a high the last few days, even though work sucks. To be honest I have been feeling quite GAY! I don't mean that in a derogatory way, I mean that I have been feeling a little more stereotypical. A bit more of a "Mincer", if you will. And to honest it feels good.

I want to get something out in the open here, I really enjoy the "Blogsphere". I truely enjoy my blog, and blogging, not to mention all those that I read on a regular basis. I truely wish that when I was younger, and first coming to terms with who I am, that I had this resource. Honestly some of our younger bloggers, just don't realise or appreciate how lucky they are. I blog, because it gives me a voice, I blog because it lets me get out all the things I can't normally say...., but most importantly, I blog, because it makes me part of a wider community. A community, that until recently, I did not know existed.

My last post....

2009-10-13T03:43:00.001+13:00

I guess I should explain a little about my last post. I am not in a particularly good mood today. Work blew giant monkey balls! I got yelled at again, this time for doing my job properly!! And twice I let punters get ripped off! All because that is what the company wanted me to do. Don't get me wrong, it is not what I wanted, I never lied to them. I just didn't didn't tell them some stuff which would have ended in costing the company some money. Because at the end of the day, the punters in question were absolutely right!

This has made me feel dirty, and ashamed to say the least, so I was looking for a bit of payback. Well what better, than a couple of scumbags, that deserve the fiery pits of hell.

Actually as soon as I posted that last one, I regretted it. But in the spirit of honesty, and of course keeping the promise to myself that I would never delete a post, I am leaving it up.

Better late than never....

2009-10-13T02:39:00.001+13:00

I know, I missed the boat as the "National Coming Out Day" was a couple of days ago, but cut me some slack I have been busy! So I thought that for the day, I would celebrate by coming out..., again!

"Hi..., I have something to tell you.............., i'm........., Gay! There I said it, can we move on now?"

Sorry that was kinda cheesy, but hey this is my blog damnit! So anyways, yes I am gay, and out too. Have been for several years in fact. I guess though that I have been very lucky. I did not lose a single friend over it, my family loves and supports me, and I have had to deal with very little fall out. That is not to say that I have not had my ups and downs, THIS post goes into a bit more detail. But all in all, I have had a pretty easy run.

So today a few bloggers whom I thoroughly enjoy reading, Seth, Bob, Joshua, Dave..., have all blogged about Mathew Shepard. To be honest I did not know about him, until this year. In fact I still didn't know too much, until I read through the posts, that these guys had written. Even the mercenary was heartbroken to hear this story..., and to be honest I don't give a fuck if you know that. I never said that I didn't have a heart.

I tell you what though, I can not believe that we have in this world, people so backward. People that are so scared of something that is different, that the only way they know how to deal, is to destroy. How dare they take from the world someone that for all intents and purposes, was of no threat to them, and completely harmless. And to top it off the killers said they did it because that young boy, made them feel uncomfortable? Well why didn't they just leave then? I tell you, all I ask is a quiet room, 5 minutes, a glass of water, two six inch nails, a set of jumper leads, and a small generator...., i'll show them what "Uncomfortable" is!

I know, bad taste..., but I have a dark past, and it is how I felt after reading those posts. My heart goes out to Mathews family, may his death be not in vain. It is time to wake up people, honestly. I dropped a few comments earlier, pretty much to the effect that yes you don't have to come out. If you want to live in the closet that is perfectly fine. But if everyone did that then the world would not know the real truth. And truth is everything.

Hate me if you like for this post, but bear this in mind..., I will never lie to you, or hide my feelings. If what I say upsets you, you know where the door is.

Picture Post - Some more blondes to lighten the mood....

2009-10-10T00:34:00.000+13:00

Music Post - Eclectic mix....

2009-10-10T00:01:00.000+13:00

Well I thought for this one that I would do something a little different..., bearing in mind of course that all this comes from my own playlists...

A very shitty situation...

2009-10-09T00:05:00.002+13:00

Warning…, long post is LONG!!!!!

I have an interesting one for you today…, now I admit that this may turn a few of you off me. But I am still entitled to my opinion. And it in no way changes me from the guy you knew yesterday, I am still him. Just do me a favour, and go into this with an open mind I beg you. I am very hesitant in posting this actually, so do not be too harsh. Oh "Fuck IT!" here goes....

This whole thing comes from a conversation I was having at work, the conversation was about sex offenders, and the registry. My opinion on that is that there should be one, though it should not be made public. More of a “Watchlist”, if you will. Let me explain that a little better…,

I will give you two examples here. First you have couple “A”, one is 16, and one is 17. The relationship is loving and rewarding for both parties. Then you have couple “B”, one is 15 and one is 16, again the relationship is loving and rewarding. But what is the key difference between the two? Well there is only a year separating the two in both examples, but, in my country, the 16yr old can be listed as a registered sex offender. How can this be considered right on any level? Now I think I may have mentioned something along these lines before, but I am going to get into it a little more.

This is also going out to Micky, from Smutty Stuff, as I think he could do with our support at this time. He was recently labelled a paedophile, for the pics that he posts. Now some of what he posts does skirt the lines of “Morality” in our shitty backwards, prudish society, but are still within the law. He has consequently been vindicated by Nibblebit, but I am sure he is still feeling a little down over it. So I strongly recommend you go over to “It’s getting better” and give him a hug.

So here it is my earth shaking, soap boxing opinion!

What is morally right or wrong? Is it the narrow minded dogmatic view of the clergy, who obviously believe that such things are only allowed to be performed by them! Or is it what an aging and corrupt governmental system tells you? Personally I think that we should all go our own way…, if no one gets hurt in the process, what does it matter, really?

This is not to say that I am condoning doing things to the pre-adolescent, or even the adolescent for that matter! So in reality I think, if a person believes that he or she is old enough to make up their own mind about things, then why not let them. I understand that people will becry “Perversion!”, and “Coercion!” at this point. But look at the history, and you will find that what we see as morally corrupt is a relatively recent development…, in the grand scheme of things that is.

In Ancient Greece, Mesopotamia, and even Rome, it was quite common for men to “Lye” with each other. In

Greece

itself, it was even more common for a boy, generally at 12, to be handed over to a “Tutor”. This tutor was responsible for the boy’s education in all the fields, which would make him a man. In fact it wasn’t until the “Holy Church” started meddling in politics, in the latter part of the first millennium, that’s when things started to change.

Once the jaded, dogmatic view of the church took over in Europe, the various crowns were made mere puppets. It was at this point that, the “Sodomites” really went out of fashion. Many years later, in no small part, helped immensely by the rule of Queen Victoria. You see old Vicky didn’t like the whole guy on guy action, and made the whole thing illegal. Only for men though!! She liked “Playing” with women to much to make that illegal!! Obviously, that is highly paraphrased, but following on form that, society adopted this distaste and the “Anti-Gay” movement was born.

It is a shame that we treat our young adults with such contempt. We are constantly telling them that they are the future, which lets face it…, they are! Yet we are not allowed by government, or refuse due to some church bollocks, to arm them with the knowledge to do what needs to be done. I am not just talking about the LGBT community here anymore either, this part of my rant counts for everyone!

I guess where I was going with all this, is that just because someone is Gay, it does not mean that they salivate over young boys, And just because a Gay man wants to look at younger men or teenagers, that does not make him dirty or immoral. I know, a long spiel just to say this, but…, “What you do in your own back yard is your business”, and how dare anyone say any different. I am reminded of a biblical phrase here; it goes a little like…

“Take the stick out of your own eye, before you take it out of someone else’s.”

Or something like that any way. Bear in mind here that I am not saying that I practice these things, it is just an opinion.

The Gentleman's game...., and some other stuff...

2009-10-07T02:39:00.002+13:00

I'm depressed..., my nations cricket team that had showed so much promise, turned in their "Man Cards" on Monday in South Africa. After two stunning wins against two decent teams they were into the semi's.

Another well played and thought out performance against a good team, put them into the finals. But low, who should they find? That's right, our wanky big brother and he was aiming for late night penetration!!

In a surprising twist though, the new keeper for Oz is really quite cute. He is the one standing.

After a poor batting performance that allowed the Aussie quicks to dominate through the bulk of the innings, we posted a paltry score. A score which was picked off fairly easily. So yes I am depressed, and it has put me in a foul mood.

In other news, there is some movement going on at work. It seems that in the infinite wisdom of the brainstrust, the department we are housed next too has been moved. Pain the arse really, because we relied on them for a great many things..., terrible..., oh yes! But great! Of course, this means that we are going to benefit from some of the now unused space. Finally I will not be crunched into the far corner!! I have no idea when we will expand, but it shouldn't be in the too distant future.

I also want to take this opportunity to say thanks. I have been around for a couple of months now, and have picked up more followers than I thought possible. If you produced the drivel that I do, you would be surprised as well. So here it is boys (I don't think there are any girls reading this, so they get left out!)...,

Thank You.

Thank you for following, thank you for commenting, and above all thank you for allowing me into your world. My days would be a lot darker without the Blogsphere.

First impressions...

2009-10-05T00:30:00.001+13:00

I wanted to talk today about first impressions...., primarily because no matter how hard I try, I never seem to make a good one.

I tend to come off as either really disinterested, or a bit of of a dick.

I am more of the "Second Chance Draw" kind of a guy, because no matter how bad the first impression was, the second is usually ok.

You see I think the reason for this, was that I never wanted people to get too close to me when I was young. I had what I now know to be "Abandonment Issues", and I thought that if I went it alone, then I would not get hurt anymore. I found out a long time ago, that if you are a complete cunt to someone on the first meeting, and they still want to get to know you, then they may be worth the effort. I guess that I have never really lost that attitude.

The problem is that quite often, the type of person this attitude attracts, are not really that nice to know either. Consequently I know a lot of not very nice people. Not good for the social life I can tell you, though for the most part I can tell you who needs watching in a bar, and can usually sniff out a good score, just by these associations. Also because of this I have too few, true friends, and even less that I trust more than as just a cursory thing. I can count on just one hand the people that I trust more than completely. I have "Trust Issues" as well, in case you haven't already figured that out.

I guess in part that is one of the many reasons, that I am writing this blog. I want to change my motus operandi, I am desperate to change..., I just don't know how.

I really need to get out more...

At the Movies...

2009-10-03T23:41:00.000+13:00

I just watched the film, Monsieur Ibrahim et les fleurs du Coran. I loved it, a great and heartwarming story of a typical teenager, that befriends an old lonely guy, and the journey they go on. The only bad bit about the whole film was that it was in French, hence for the most part, I needed to use the subtitles. So much for my years doing French in High School!!

Check out this film, it really was quite good.

Setting the Bar...

2009-10-02T03:07:00.000+13:00

I had an interesting conversation with my best mate the other night. He works nights like me, so we are usually up at the same time. At about 2100 he sends me a txt saying that he is awake and bored, so being bored myself I jump in the jeep and head over to his. I enjoy driving to his, because it is about 20km away on the other side of the bay, so the drive is reasonably long, and there is some good scenery in between.

So anyways...., the conversation. I have absolutely no fucking idea how we got to it, but he said that my "Bar" was to high. When I asked him to elaborate, he launched into this giant spiel about how my standards are too high, and that was why I was always alone. I told him then that I would not compromise on how I felt about prospective lovers. Though now I am not so sure that he wasn't on some level correct.

You see I do have very specific tastes, when it comes to men. You see what I like is, blond, preferably blue or green eyes, surfer type physique, even the skater look is a preference. Not to mention that I am fond of younger guys. I am not really that fussed on the age itself, anywhere between 20 and 35 is fine, but the younger they look, the better.

He also asked about personality. Well yeah sure, I like a good personality, but to me that is just part of the whole, or half of the desired result. Yeah ok, I guess that does make me sound shallow, maybe I am? But I have to have the whole package, so I guess that I am greedy as well!

Though now, like I said earlier, I am wondering if he was right? Maybe I have set the bar to high. I don't want to be alone anymore. I still don't think I should compromise, but maybe I should soften the edges a little.

I don't rightly know..., what do you guys think?

Music Post - In a dark room contemplating my navel....

2009-09-30T18:55:00.000+13:00

Since you all loved the last one, I thought I should share some more of favourites....

The Right Honorable John Key...

2009-09-30T17:39:00.000+13:00

Just watch this first.....

I saw this on the news the other day, but mised most of it, so finally checked it out on youtube. I have to say I was quite impressed, and though obviously nervous, I thought the man held himself quite admirably. I then proceeded to read the comments posted on the video, I don't usually read said comments as I find them to be a little crap really. However some of these comments pissed me off, consequently, I ended up reading them all. I shocked and horrified by what I read. A lot of the comments were quite disparaging! That a lot of them were signed by Kiwi's was quite a shock really.

Now I am not a particular fan of government, I never really have been. However I though that our prime minister did this country a great service here. Yes Letterman is not the best way to introduce yourself to the American public at large, but it is better than doing nothing at all. I also thought that Key did a fairly decent job of deflecting most of Letterman's piss taking. I mean lets be honest here, Letterman is all about "Taking the piss!", he does it to everybody, no matter who you are.

In my opinion Key showed to the American public, that New Zealander's can take a joke, that we aren't too serious when we don't have to be, and that we are a pretty good bunch of people. It is unfortunate that there was no opportunity for a proper interview, but you can't have everything!

Since there was no piccies of our small, but great nation, I thought I would share a few....

All these shots were taken in or around the city I live in, all this beautiful scenery..., what more could you ask for?

Picture Post - Just beautiful.....

2009-09-29T05:29:00.000+13:00

Love...

2009-09-29T05:17:00.001+13:00

What does this word mean to you? What does this word really mean to anyone? Is love an impulse, a collection of emotions bandying together to make a feeling of attraction, or just a series of motor neuron response created to form the need to procreate?

You see I believe that, in this day and age, the word has come dangerously close to losing its efficacy. We bandy it about like it means nothing..., "Oh I just love that sweater", 'I love you bro", 'I loved that movie!". It seems that the word "Love" has become the ultimate expression of emphasis. Not to mention that, every other song, from the latest preteen "Pop Sensation", is about some form of unrequited love.It really makes me sick to be honest.

Love is more than just a punchline people! Love is that feeling of connection, that sense that you are a part of something ultimately greater than yourself. Love is the pain and hurt of not being there with the one you love, for whatever reason.

To me the word means something, which is why I don't use it, unless I really have to. I am not saying that the true meaning of love has an age limit, far from it in fact! What I am saying is that I don't think a word that has that much power should be used willy nilly. I mean you wouldn't just slap someone with a nuke , now would you? Well I would hope not.., but who knows with you yanks? Seriously though, I am more than just a little concerned about this situation.

I leave you with this track, used for the end credits of quite possibly the greatest ever love story I have yet seen. The movie "Love Actually"

I would like to share something with you....

2009-09-27T23:08:00.000+13:00

You see, this is something I have yet to tell you, but..., I fancy myself as a bit of a writer. I am going to post an exert from a piece I am trying to write, I would be most interested to hear what you think of it...

The rain hadn’t let up for days. Though the storm had been forecast, it certainly wasn’t supposed to last this long, or be this hard. If forced to admit it, however, the slow Plink…, Plink, on the roof of his cover was somewhat…, soothing. At least it wasn’t cold anymore. Not that the cold bothered him to much, his home planets was, at certain times of the year, one of the coldest on record. The wind, that was the problem, strong and bone chillingly cold. Thankfully though, the winds that had plagued the area for the last three days had finally died off during the night. He realised that he was still warming his hands on his tea mug; it was a very old habit. He swirled the tea in the mug and realised that it was just about the right temperature, as he raised the mug to his ruddy lips, for a well deserved swallow, he took a look outside.

Beyond the confines of his cover, was a lush tropical rain forest. Not that you would know from the weather of the past few days. Looking at it now it was almost peaceful. The only evidence of the hurricane was a slight sway of the remaining foliage, and of course, all the detritus strewn across the front of his position. This was a major problem he thought to himself. What he was now facing, was that the gods of chaos themselves could sneak right up to the perimeter defences and take a piss without being seen. He took another long pull on his tea. With a grimace he looked down into his half full mug of now cold tea. Maintaining the perfect temperature was a very delicate thing. ‘Bugger…, I was enjoying that!’ He said as he looked at the offending tea with barely concealed disgust.

With pangs of regret, he flicked the tea over the lip of the cover.

Stepping back into the fire trench, he spotted Leftenant Lerman heading his way, data slate in hand. Cameron approached, grinning from ear to ear, ‘Beautiful day today Major…’

‘Every day is a beautiful day with you Cameron, what makes this one any different? Honestly I don’t know why I put up with you sometimes.’ He said.

‘“Any day above ground…,” as they say sir,’ The smile on his face broadening, ‘here are the weather reports you requested.’

‘Where is Alex, I told him to bring me these as soon as they came in…?’

‘Corporal Petty was on his way, I told him to get some sleep. He was dead on his feet sir.’

‘You’re a good man Cameron.’

‘Possibly why you keep me around sir…, maybe?’

With a slight chuckle he strode off towards his command bunker. As he did so he said over his shoulder, ‘Smart arse…, get a flamer detail together to clear that rubbish from the perimeter will you? We don’t want any surprises, now that the weather is clearing. When you have done that get the other officers together and meet me at my bunker.’

‘I’ll get right on to it Major.’ The grin just wouldn’t go away.

* * *

Not a bad unit to be attached to, this Britannian 1^st. Pretty good group of lads, not too much trouble. Content with his position as Commissar for “A Company” of the Britannian 1^st, Christian Haydenson leaned back in his chair and propped his feet on a convenient ledge in the wall. Though he wasn’t from the Britannia itself, he still remembered fondly the days he spent there for the re-founding of this regiment. The cold of these last few days had made him very reminiscent of …, “The old days”, as the lads put it.

Snuggling deeper into his chair, Christian reached out for his steaming cup. As he did so he saw the flap to the bunker being pulled to the side. With a small gust of cold air, in came the commander of “A Company Britannian 1^st (Airborne)”, Major Patrick McCormick. ‘Morning Paddy…, you were away early this morning.’

‘Chris…, Emperor’s teeth, what is that smell?’ Patrick said with a barely contained look of disgust on his face.

‘Grox tongue soup…, why? You want some there’s plenty more’, he said pointing towards the small stove in the corner.

‘No thank you, smells like a half rotten corpse.’ He said as he folded himself into his bunk. ‘I swung past the comms tent just now, looks like we could be seeing some trouble soon.’

‘How so?’ his interest peaking, Chris sat up straighter in his chair.

‘Activity reports from the tacticians are showing movement about 300 kilometres to the south. A little heavy armour, and boat loads of infantry’ Not able to get comfortable McCormick slid round so that he was just sitting on his cot.

‘Armour…, how much armour?’

‘Unknown, there’s heavy cloud cover over the target that’s playing havoc with the Auspex. Probably how they managed to get so close without being noticed. Tacticians say it should be minimal and mostly old stuff.’

The sarcasm in McCormick’s voice was blatant, and he took quite a risk being derisive, but both officers had been close friends for a very long time. McCormick had known since the day they had met that Christian would put a round through his brainpan in a heartbeat, if it was necessary. He accepted it. What he didn’t know, however, was that over the years Christian had grown quite fond of him. As such Christian was not so sure anymore if he could shoot him. Having said that, neither of the two, ever tried to put each other into a position to find out.

‘Well this time they might give us a little support of our own.’ Christian said as he turned to lean on the Major’s desk.

‘You can’t seriously believe that?’ McCormick looked on incredulously.

‘Why not? Your boys from the 11^th are not that far away.’

‘Sorry to disappoint you old friend, but the 11^th are being held in, now how did they put it…, ah yes “Tactical Reserve”. In case of a breakout by the enemy.’ To punctuate his statement, McCormick passed over the message wafer that he had received. ‘We are to expect re-supply of all tube missiles, and possible reinforcements by ground troops in the next few days.’

‘The next few days?!’ He looked shocked, and threw the wafer to the desk in disgust, ‘The enemy will be here in a day, what are we to use till then…, harsh language? We lost most of our equipment and stores in the drop. It is testament to your lads’ ability that they were able to dig in at all, in such awful weather!’

‘I know what you are saying, but calm down old friend. It does no one any good; we’ll just have to make do.’

‘That doesn’t make me feel any better you know?’

‘I saw a really big stick earlier; I could give you that if you like?’

‘No one likes a smart arse Paddy.’ Christian’s burgeoning grin belied his strong tone.

“I know, I’m going to have a get together with the officers in a few minutes…, do you want the stick first?’ McCormick said as he got up and headed to the door flap.

‘Shut up!’ The full blown smile was impossible to hide now.

As McCormick opened the door flap, the six other senior men of the company came through the doorway. Captain Sam Jeffries the senior medic, Leftenant Cameron Lerman of 1^st Platoon, Leftenant James Egan of 2^nd Platoon, Leftenant Ryan McCartney of 3^rd Platoon, Leftenant Mark Reed of 4^th Support Platoon, and Staff Sergeant Logan Ferrier commander of the scout squad. ‘Right on time gentlemen.’

McCormick outlined the situation as he knew it, and there were few questions. ‘Now that you know the situation lads, here is what I want you to do. Sam I take it you have already set up a field station?’

‘Yes, but Paddy the facilities are not the best. Almost all of my stores went astray in the drop. I have radioed for more, but command has not gotten back to me yet.’

‘Unfortunately doctor, we are all in the same boat. There is a supply drop scheduled for 1600hrs tomorrow, we’ll just have to make do till then. Right, James, Ryan and Cameron, I need you to dig your units in a little deeper, and prepare for roving ambush. James your lot is first.’

‘We will get right on to it. Standard builds on the fortifications Sir?.’ Cameron said still smiling. You know, thought McCormick. If it wasn’t for Cameron being a brilliant platoon commander, I’d shoot him myself. That smile is just creepy!

‘Indeed, do the best you can. Mark I need your boys set up in the middle, you know what to do.’

‘SIR!’ was the only response from Reed.

‘Logan I need you and your team on recon, get out there and find out what we’re facing and where they are.’

‘Understood Major’

‘Right then, let’s get it done chaps’

As they filed out McCormick stopped Capt Jefferies, ‘Sam chances are we won’t get any “Medivac” flights. The weather patterns for the next few days are still uncertain. Do the best you can.’

‘Always do, but thanks for the warning Major.’

‘That went pretty well I thought.’ Chris said, once everyone had left.

‘Well enough I suppose.’ McCormick once again tried lying down on his cot. ‘They aren’t about to argue are they. James wasn’t happy that he is on ambush first.’

‘It’s a small matter.’ Chris was checking the small stove keeping his soup warm. ‘You sure you don’t want any?’ He said indicating the pot.

‘I’d rather drink warmed piss. Thank you, but no. I’m going to get some sleep, wake me if anything changes.’

‘Will do.’

The ten men of the scout squad slipped over the top of the small trench and moved out, sliding into the jungle like thieves in the night.

Movie time again...

2009-09-26T06:11:00.000+12:00

Found this as I was trundling through the video store. It is really quite good, for a rehash of the "One last Hurrah before college" movie. I do recommend it, plus it has some very lovely boys in it.

Tagged you say...

2009-09-26T05:46:00.003+12:00

Well it appears that I got tagged by Fer, over on "The maudlin story of a bisexual boy".

So here we go, first the rules....

The rules: Answer a series of questions and find a picture to represent each question, then create a picture mosaic on this site. Make the mosaic 4 columns by 3 rows. The questions are:

1. Where are you from? (You can choose to answer with your country, state/province, or city.)
2. What's your favorite food?
3. What's your favorite drink?
4. What's your ideal/favorite (future) job/career?
5. What's your favorite thing about yourself?
6. What's the place you most want to visit?
7. What's your favorite body feature on someone else?
8. What's your favorite movie?
9. What's your favorite TV show?
10. Choose one word that best describes you.
11. What time period would you most like to have lived in (in the past)?
12. What's the next thing you're (probably . . .) going to purchase?

1. New Zealand

2. Bangers and Mash... FTW!!

3. A nice hot cup of tea...., mmmmm, yummy!

4. Good old simple truckie.

5.My Mind.

6. Norway..., I have no idea why, I would just love to go there.

7. There is nothing sexier on a boy than a sly grin!

8. Master and Commander.

9.Although it is not being made anymore, I just love Third Watch. Best show I have ever seen.

10. Broken...

11. The height of the of the Samurai. So anytime between year dot and the time that the yanks showed up and spoiled it!

12. An Ipod, probably, an Ipod Touch.

Anyone I would tag, has already been done so, if you haven't then let me know, and I will through one your way.

Lather...., Rinse...., Repeat....

2009-09-25T02:05:00.000+12:00

So appropriate, that phrase, is to my life right now. I wake up in the morning, read a few of the overnight blogs, well overnight to me anyway. I then get ready and go to work. At work I spend eight hours on the phone to god only knows who, yelling, or asking inane shit. I then jump in my Jeep, and trundle home, usually via a few stores, cafes, bars. Occasionally, I visit a few friends, or meet up at said cafes, bars.

What I miss, and I truely do miss this, is having someone to come home to. I have never been much for relationships, they always seem to end badly. Or atleast I pull the pin when they look like they are going south. But, I do miss the companionship. Someone who is there for you when you are down. Someone to cuddle close to on those chilly evenings. Someone to watch a good film with.

It seems that as I get older, all my friends are either getting together with someone, or even getting married. All the while, I am stuck in my rut, still acting like a teenager! I have atleast gone past the "Wild Merryment" stage, but I still can't seem to find the right guy to settle down with.

What I really need is, the guy of my dreams to just swoop in, and sweep me off my feet....

Maybe one day it will happen, my hopes, however, are not high. Still I could get lucky....

Maybe I should just get a dog?

Humourous find...

2009-09-23T21:14:00.002+12:00

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.
Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

Music Post - A little bit country...

2009-09-23T02:43:00.001+12:00

It must be said that Country music , is one of my guilty pleasures. I know that it is not to everybody's taste, but fuck it! This is my blog....

The Rainbow Crusade...

2009-09-22T04:33:00.003+12:00

I have never much been one for crusades of any nature..., does that make me a bad person? Not really, I just don't see the need to stick my head out into the firing line. I do however have great appreciation for those that do. See as far as I am concerned I have been very lucky, in that most of the work had been done by the time I showed up. Kind of like showing up to late for a party, but staying to help with the clean up.

This is all prompted by the movie "Milk", which I have only just watched for the first time. I know, I am a bit lax, as it has been out for a while. It is just not the type of movie that instantly jumps off the shelf at me. It wasn't until I started reading about it on the blogs of others that I learned what it was about. It was then that I felt I should watch it.

Like I said earlier, by the time I "Came Out", most of the work had been done. It was legal for me to be the way I was, and not long after, we had in this country, the "Civil Unions Act" (I think that it what it was called?), so again no need to worry there.

What I didn't quite appreciate, was the struggle that those that had come before me had gone through. Milk quite opened my eyes to the struggle of the community in the states, to the point where I researched the struggles in my own country. It seems though on a smaller scale, we had our own little battle going on that I had no idea about.

So I say now to all those crusaders out there, Thank You. Without you, I would not have the freedoms that I have today. And to those still fighting in the states, I wish you luck and say to you this,

"Courage and Honour!"

Night at the flix...

2009-09-21T04:23:00.002+12:00

Got a couple of movies out of the Video store this evening. I got "17Again", "The Boat that Rocked", "Milk", and "The boy in the striped pyjamas". I haven't watched milk yet, but the first two were fairly decent, "The Boat that Rocked", is well worth a watch, for some good British humour!

Now I wanted to talk about, "The boy in the striped pyjamas". This was a powerful and most chilling film, especially as it is shown through the eyes of an eight year old boy.

This film is a must watch for anyone! I know that there have been several on the subject, and I, in no way, am intending to "Gerry Bash" here. Incredibly powerful and horrific mistakes were made, during this time. But this film does portray an important message. There is a scene in the film where the children's tutor , effectively brainwashes them during a so called "Lesson". I was truely horrified by this, but can certainly believe these things took place.

I have heard many people say that history is not important. This film shows just how important learning history is. I have always maintained that we need to know where we have come from, in order to know where we are going. Please watch this film, but I warn you now have a tissue handy.

A happier time...

2009-09-20T06:59:00.001+12:00

Well there goes that reminiscing again...,

I was on msn with a fine young lad from merry ole England this evening. Well the chat brought back some memories of a happier time. Somehow we managed to get onto talking about cadets, seems we both served in the same type of cadet corps. Well just chatting with him, I started to recall all the things I got up to. I started to climb the rank ladder fairly quickly, and the higher you went, the cooler the stuff you got to do was.

For those of you who don't know what cadets is, I shall give a brief description. Cadets is kinda like Scouts, but with a military bent. In effect it is the military for the underage crowd. You can join when your 13, and go through to 18. At 18 you either apply for a commission, or you leave. You meet usually once a week, and have sessions of military drill, classroom tutorials, weapons training, etc. You can chose from the three services, Army, Navy, or Air Force. I went into the Air Training Corps, the Air Force variant. In my squadron, we also had three main "Exercises" and two minor "Exercises" a year. Plus trips for special training with actual units.

You remember C, from a couple of post back, well he was there as well. We joined at the same time, and got our first promotions at the same time. While we were sergeants, we were in charge of separate flights, and yes there was a little bit of rivalry there, hehe. So I will tell you of one "Exercise" that C and I were on...

It was the "Rabbit" exercise, the rabbit was pretty simple, a sub flight of ten cadets, usually led by a sergeant, went into the exercise area with a day's head start. The rest of the squadron would then go out and hunt them down. For realism we used paintball guns. The exercise lasted five days, as it was a main one. Anyways so the leader of the rabbits that year was C, he was wily and we only just captured him, before the deadline, if the rabbits lasted longer than the deadline they won the exercise. Only one rabbit team ever won while I was there, mine!

So anyways on the second day the rest of the squadron left in flight formation (a flight is two sub-flights of ten cadets led by corporals, commanded overall by a sergeant, the lead flight is commanded by a flight sergeant), and began the hunt. We had a total of three flights available (out of the four full flights in the squadron), for the exercise. Over the next two days, between the flights, we had managed to pick off most of the rabbits, who if captured were taken back to the main camp for "Interrogation". Which meant they got to put their feet up in front of the telly for a few days! If they were "killed"..., well they got the same treatment really.

In that time the rabbits had accounted for quite a few of the hunters, which were now down to two workable flights. Things were getting pretty hazardous out there! So late on the fourth day, my flight picked up the trail of the last few rabbits. I radioed in my findings, but was told to return to camp due to it getting dark (for safety reasons, we didn't operate at night very much). I knew that the trail would be dead if we tried to pick it back up again in the morning, so taking a "Circuitous" route back to camp, we kept up the hunt. Almost an hour later, we came under fire from a superbly set rolling ambush, I lost ten cadets in the opening exchange, including both sub-flight leaders. Hairy!! I took what remained, and chased down the rabbits, catching up with them we dispatched them very quickly, capturing the last two living ones. Yay us, for the winning team!!

I look back upon these years with great fondness. Sometimes I wish that I could go back and be a kid again, just to relive those simpler moments. The closest I get to it now is playing airsoft. Not quite as fun, but still pretty damn good.

And so it is...

2009-09-19T00:00:00.003+12:00

The time has come..., The enemy is here..., The gates have fallen..., The final showdown is upon us!! It has been an interesting and enlightening journey so far I must say..., so here we go, the last round.

16. What's your darkest secret? (hey, what goes around comes around)

Hmm, tough one! I have so many secrets, and they are all pretty dark. If I was to chose the worst though...,

I am quite obsessed with violence. I hate it, and do my best not to partake in it..., I am just, it seems, very good at it. And try as I might, I don't seem to be able to steer clear of it. I have done several things I am really not proud of.

17. What question are you most afraid of some one asking? (another one of Dave's machinations)

"How are you doing?" I don't know why, it just always freaks me out. Most of the time if I was to answer truthfully I would have people running screaming from the room, or lying on the floor in a quivering heap. Hence I don't really know what to say in these situations.

18. Your house is on fire!! you got the time to get three items out of it, what would those be?

My harddrive, my dvd collection and my armies.

19. What 3 songs represent you?

20. If you could start to live your life again, what would you change?

There are several things I would like to change, but could I countenance actually changing them? No, I don't think I could. Whatever I change would also change how I see myself, or how I act. Therefore I would not be me. So no, I would not change a thing.

I have watched my city burn..., now I will take my revenge! Or atleast ask the last round of questions....

16. Top or Bottom...?

17.Name two things that define you as a person?

18. What are the three most important possessions to which you can not live without?

19. Paper or plastic...? Discuss.

20. What is the thing that first attracts you to a person?

They you are my friend..., and if you get stuck on something, or are not sure how to answer, remember this...

"It is not the question that is important...,

it is how you answer it."

Picture Post - Because it has been a while...

2009-09-18T05:02:00.001+12:00

The choices we make...

2009-09-18T04:48:00.000+12:00

I have been reminiscing a lot lately, as I am sure you are aware. Well today at work I had this odd, random, recollection of when I was twelve. At twelve I had my life pretty much fully mapped out. At thirty I hand planned to have atleast two kids, a loving partner, and a good career as either a soldier, or as a pilot. I had even mapped out what, I thought, would be the appropriate progression to get there.

Well I can tell you now that I have none of that. The only thing I have is a reasonably decent job, that pays OK, which I came to within spitting distance of quitting today. More on that later. So aren't they the most funny things..., those choices we make. What is even more amusing is the choices that fate makes for us.

It's that whole "Fork in the road" thing again. As an example when I was twenty-one, I left a perfectly good job that I was thoroughly happy in (Driving trucks), to go to University. Now I could have done this straight after highschool, but chose to get a trade qualification instead. So anyway..., university. I had some of the best times while at uni, I had some of the worst as well, but that is for another post. University, not only did it get me a degree, but I learnt so much about myself, and where I fit into this world during that time. I had several good relationships, some romantic, some not. I have to admit though, it was a little harder for me given that I was a few ears older than the contemporaries in my year. That, coupled with my personality, made it difficult to connect socially.

Had I not left driving, I would not be then same person, in my opinion. I would still have been me, just not me..., know what I mean. There are those choices again! Life is funny like that.I guess what I am trying to say, is just weigh up all the options you have, very carefully.

So anyways, my day started off shit, withing about twenty minutes of starting my shift, I got the worst most arrogant caller to date. He really was an arsehole, he was arguing the point on a bet he had taken. It was all to do with a percentage, I am not going to go into all the details, as it would take to long to explain, and more than likely boor you to tears. Suffice it to say the call ended up that everything that was wrong with the agency was my fault and that I was a thief stealing his money..., yes he made it personal. TO top it off I got no support from my boss..., AGAIN!!

However, and I am not sure quite how I did it, but something inside me snapped. Maybe it was my "Serial Pragmatism" (Thanks Dan!), I guess I just stopped caring. After the call I left to go outside and have a smoke and to calm down. After that I had the best day! I was happy all through the rest of my shift. And I have to say my mood was contagious..., everyone seemed to perk up. The whole team had more fun in that one afternoon than we had, had, in months. It would be really nice if we could carry that on, but I doubt it.